OH CRAP!!! IT IS ALL YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE LAST AND THIRD AND LAST DAY OF THE ELECTRONIC ENTERTAINMENT EXPO 200ANDGODDAMNED6!!!!! RRRRRRRGGG!! LET US DO THIS THINGGGGG!!!!!!
This is quite possibly the worst photo I took!
That spiky object is Laura Foy doing some sort of craaaazy interview! Ms. Foy is Pink's less successful, more into video games twin sister and was one of the hosts of probably the best show (second only to Icons) on the G4 network, that is if you are a dork like me and like to watch shows about video games. Of course, this show has been cancelled so that they can show more Fastlane and Star Trek which I call Star DRECK. HAHAHA, GUYS. Anyway, I thought they fired her ass so who knows who she thinks she's talking to here with what camera, huh? HUH?!
ANYHOO, THAT'S A BIG FAT CHECKHOV, GHOSTWRITER!!! YEAH, I SAID WRITER!! PUBLIC BROADCASTING, WHAT WHAT???!
DOUBLE CHECKHOV, ASSHOLES!!!
I also went by the G4 area again some time during day two and snagged (like a hipster!) photos of Olivia Munn and Kevin Pereira, as I had passed up such a chance the previous day and now had a cause that I was so ass-dedicated to you would not believe it, chump.
Okay, whatever, now here's day three.
COME INTO MY WORLD!!!!!!!
AH, DA TURD DAY! Attendance was slightly lessened and, by now, I had learned how to walk on the carpeting, which I had been tripping over like crazy the previous two days, easily singling me out as the coolest person at E3.
Now, you must understand, the most interesting new video game hardware coming out is going to be the Nintendo Wii because it does all this crazy motion-sensing control stuff that is going to take your video gaming TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!!! So, of course, the lousy system had to be hidden away in a circular area and they only let a couple of people in at a time to play. Therefore there was a VERY LONG LINE. OH?! DON'T BELIEVE ME?!!?
Keran and I had intended to wake up nice and early and get to the convention just as it opened on the third day, so as to avoid the lineage (pronounce it "line-age", rather than the way you're supposed to). We, of course, did not manage this and, by the time we got there, the line had stretched around like fifty corners and was literally a several minute walk just to get from the front to the back.
SAY! Did anybody spot the important point of that last photo?! No?! HERE IS THE CLOSE-UP!!!
Hello, young fellow!!!!
Based on some information we obtained from a gentleman who had already made it inside the day before plus Keran's attempt at waiting in the line while I went to the bathroom to see how far he'd get during that time, we ended up judging the wait to be about four hours total. We decided not to wait in the line, but, instead, Keran elected to inform all of the poor boys who joined onto the line's ending that they would, in fact, likely be waiting a good four hours. I asked the guy who had already made it in before about what he played inside, more just out of curiousity, but then Keran gave me his notepad so I pretended like I was an actual journalist for once and wrote some stuff down. Here's what I wrote:
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, THE INSIDE POOP!!!!!
More importantly of the Nintendo Wii Queue of Hate, was the CRAZY-TALK-TALK SCREENS (TM).
IT'SA THE OLD WHITE GUY WHO DOESA THE VOICEA OF MARIOA!!!! Not like you can tella.
Along the wall of their huge (allegedly) fun-booth, Nintendo had installed these big video screens that were broadcasting the insides of some small white rooms of claustrophobic insanity. "WOW?! YOU GOT TO SEE VIDEO OF THE INSIDE OF A SMALL WHITE ROOM WHILE YOU WAITED?!? THAT IS SO COOL!!!!!" I know you are saying but, wait, it gets cooler! See, they put PEOPLE in the rooms and jammed headsets onto their skulls and, apparently, somewhere around the screen there were some sort of microphone and speaker apparatuses because these people could hear you and vice versa.
In effect, you were expected to chew the fat with these screen jokers while you waited in the line. They'd ask you crap like "WHAT YOU LOOKIN' TO PLAY WHEN YOU GET IN THERE?!" and you'd say "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT IN THERE?! WHAT DO YOU EVEN GOT IN THERE?!" and they'd probably answer, I don't really know, okay? I didn't get into one of these conversations.
By the by, the most important thing in that photo above??
What is he doing with his hands? I don't even think he's holding a camera.
Anyway, the screen closest to the entrance was transmitting footage of the place where they had locked up the guy who does the voice of Mario. I thought it was funny that this is how highly Nintendo thinks of him to stick him in a box and make him talk to dorks, but that's just me. The other screens just had other white people who, I guess, specialize in sitting in boxes and talking to idiots, so they probably have office jobs when they aren't at E3.
Ooooh, what is going on in this spooky picture, fellas???
You can't see it at all, but I took this picture because the guy in that box had apparently escaped and, when that happened, they'd just leave up a freeze-framed image of the person, I guess the last image on there before they stopped the video feed. This guy was standing up and had his mouth open, apparently trying to eat his way out of the top of the box that contained him (which I guess he eventually did). It was just so funny. But you can't see it.
Lookit how the boys crowd!!
This young boxgal was kind of attractive (not that this picture makes that at all apparent). Keran and I had a brief discussion with her, also on day two, but I'm mentioning it now because I didn't feel like getting into Wii discussion before, okay? Fine, so what. My quick interactions with women are always made a note of, because YOU HAVE TO LET ME HAVE SOMETHING, PEOPLE. JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE, OKAY?!? What a nutty article this is.
Sooo, anypoo, they had closed down the line early the day before because they were apparently having some sort of private party in the Wii area for a king or something, I dunno. The comical part was that they had left the poor box people in their boxes. We overheard that first woman telling people they had forgotten them in there and then saw her doing crazy mime-like comedy by exploring the dimensions of her box (THE BOX SHE WAS SITTING IN) with her hands (GESTURING). Wack attack!
The girl wii talked to was being accosted by some tool (A YOUNG MAN) when we arrived to find out what the dilly-o was going on with this line (we thought perhaps by some fluke it had gone away for no reason and we could just walk right in). The tool was asking the girl if she, by any chance, did a voice for any of the Nintendo games. At the time, I didn't know the guy who voiced Mario was sitting in one of the boxes, so I thought this tool was just a nutjob idiot. When the girl answered him "no," he asked her just how, indeed, she did represent Nintendo.
"I sit in a box," she said. The dorks in the area liked this much and guffawed, chuckled, expectorated, discovered a new country, etcetera. Also, at some point during this tool talk, a boy scampered by and shouted "YOU'RE HOT!" which made boxbroad chuckle.
Keran and I then approached and asked her what the shit happened to the line.
"They closed the line," she said.
"So we can't get in?" I asked, because, I mean, if you ask me closing the LINE just means there's no longer anything obstructing my passage!
"You can if you come back tomorrow," said she. "Come back real early!"
"Ehhh, nahh, pooo..." Keran and I went into a number of negative noises to indicate our distate in meeting the morning.
"What, you can't?" she asked. "You guys are gonna be out all night partying?"
I made my face that means, "yeah, right" which is a really good face to learn how to do if you aren't proficient at it yet. Anyway, personally, I am so the girl laughed. YES!!! THAT'S TWO GIRLS I MADE LAUGH!!!! KICKIN' ASS!!!! WHAT'D YOU DO AT E3, HUH?!?? FUCKIN' NOTHIN' WHEN YOU STEP TO MY I'm done typing this part.
Right, so, back to day three again, I did snap a picture of what I could see by trying to peek inside the entrance to the Wii area. READY FOR THE INSIDER'S LOOK??? READY?!?!? FUCK YEAH!!!!
Apparently, red lights are a big part of the vision Nintendo has for the Wii.
Of course, the most important part of this picture is...
Having sufficiently accomplished nothing, Keran and I then parted ways again, because we can't really stand each other. Uncertain of what to do with myself and my place in this madcap world, I went over to the Atlus area, which was right by where the PSP and Tecmo stuff I'd seen before was.
I got to play this game called Rule of Rose for the PS2 that seems to be Atlus' Silent Hill. The graphics were really quite awful and the whole thing was in Japanese. I ended up having my character follow a little boy through a house into the attic where he went and sat on the top of some mountain of lit candles or something and then just said something to me in Japanese. I didn't understand what about this was supposed to be scary.
I also noticed, while in that area, that Tecmo is making another Tokobot game for the PSP, which is just super because the other one sucked fat hippo scrot. I also went back into the PSP area to play a demo of Loco Roco which is an extremely pretty, cartoony-looking little game that I deem fun enough for a future purchase that I'll have fun with for awhile and then, like all PSP games, drop before ever getting close to finishing with it, because there's much better stuff out there. Like movies. And ice cream.
I then went over to the PS2 area and played this game called Urban Chaos: Riot Response. This game is great. It's a first-person dealy and you play as some violent jerk who accompanies life-saving people on their mission to save innocents while you cap rioters in the face. It's an absolutely hilarious game because it takes the noble premise of life-saving and adds extreme, over-the-top, glorified violence into the mix. Shooting folks in the head resulted in a completely unrealsitic geyser of blood and, sometimes, for no apparent reason, the game would elect to cut to a shot of the guy I just shot dead and, in slo-mo, show him falling and bouncing all over the place. It was brilliant!
On top of which, although the controls could use some work, it was actually pretty fun. I was working together with some firemen and got to order them to chop stuff down and put fires out for me so I could proceed. I also reached a point in which they found one of their friends fatally wounded and tried to revive him. I persisted in tazering the poor corpse while they fussed around it. I also kept lightly tazering my partner. When I decided I'd had enough of the game, I turned to my compadre and zapped him good till he caught on fire, then got a game over screen saying I used "UNNECESSARY FORCE" or some such.
The only other things that happened that day were that I watched Keran lose his Native American game tournament and then I sat around the NCSoft area playing Auto Assault and typing things to people like "Do you like pina coladas?" Following this, we visited Kentia Hall.
It looks like somebody's peed on the floor...but that's just Kentia Hall's style!
Kentia Hall is the part of the Los Angeles Convention Center that nooobody ever talks about and I go around all nerrrvous like it's myyyy fault. Really though, to speak in normal English and not in reference to obscure public service announcements from the nineties, Kentia Hall is like the lame, more businessy hall at E3. Nobody really goes there unless they're already feeling depressed and want to find someone to cry with. You'll notice the carpeting in Kentia Hall is yellow, the color of urine. This is because they didn't expect anyone to actually go in there.
Now, why were we in Kentia Hall, you ask? Well!! We had business to attend to. ILLEGAL, BLACK MARKET BUSINESS.
You see the day before (yes, day two, again) we had come upon this one display in Kentia Hall for this British company that sold games for freakass cheap. They had racks all set up with games on them. There, I found copies of Simon the Sorcerer 1 and 2 and Simon the Sorcerer 3D. These are old-school European adventure games that I'd never had the chance to play all the way through and you can't really find them in the US anymore. They only cost ten bucks each so I was all ":D!" BUT THEN!!! A balding, pudgy Brit approached me.
"You find something you like?" he asked.
"Yeah, I thought I'd get these," I said, holding up the Simonses.
"Well, you know...we can't actually sell anything."
"What? Why not?"
"It's a policy. We're not allowed to sell anything on the floor." This was disappointing, not to mention entirely illogical. Why did they have the GAMES set up on RACKS with the PRICE TAGS on them? GUH!?
"Ohhh," I said, with so much disappointment.
"But, hey," he said, "come back tomorrow in the afternoon. Maybe then."
Ooh, that crafty limey! Back to day three, we came back to score our illegal contraband. I asked him if perhaps I could buy those games now.
"Sorry, we can't sell on the floor."
"But you said maybe if I came back in the afternoon..."
"Well..." said he, "What games did you want?" I found the copies of the Simon games and showed him. "And you can't get these in the States?" he asked.
"No, not really."
"Okay, hold on."
The British man walked over to his associate and said some stuff to him, then looked at me and winked. He came back over and spoke in a hushed voice.
"Okay, the price on there is in Euros, just give me the equivalent in dollars."
I handed him twenty bucks, which he pocketed.
"All right," he said. "Cheers," then walked off stealthily.
Shortly after, Keran, myself, Keran's internet friend, and the guy I'm supposed to be writing for were all sitting on the floor not too far from the British man's display, deciding what we were going to do next. The British man looked at us, and jokingly shooed us away with his hands. This guy was awesome and hilarious and my hat goes off to him. My internet hat! Internet!
While in Kentia, I also got Keran to let me take a photo of him touching the tip of a drawing of a robot penis.
The robot penis has a face.
This is as close as Keran would get to putting his hand in the area of the robot penis head. Clearly he has some unresolved issues. If you're wondering, I didn't pose for the photo because photos with Keran in them are, as a rule, funnier.
That was about it. On the way out, I managed to get a great awful photo of the other two hosts of the now-cancelled G4TV.com show (the one that Laura chick was from too). Evidently, one of them was interviewing the other one. Talk about your egos.
It's the back of Tina Wood's head and the front of Geoff Keighley's!
That was the last of my bad G4 host photos. If any of us actually cared, I'd now make an officially tally of who I captured wonderfully and who escaped my piercing gaze, but we don't so I shan't. I do know three people I missed offhand, however:
I passed over Zach Selwyn so that was my bad, dawgs. I also never happened to run into the two hottest G4 women out there, Kristin Holt and Layla Kayleigh (who I've just realized has almost the same last name as Geoff). Neither of them play video games but who gives a crap? Kristin was no huge loss, but I would've been pleased to see Layla in person because she's both absurdly gorgeous and British. Here is a picture from the internet:
HOORAY FOR G4!!!
Unlike the other eye candy peppering the halls of this convention, I might have actually taken the time to get a decent photo with Layla because she is hot enough that having a photo of her with her arm around my midsection would be something I'd show my grandkids and they'd be like, "God, you're such a loser, grandpa." But, anyway, FAILURE.
Keran waves goodbye to his people.
Now, you'd think this would be the end, wouldn't you? BUT YOU'D BE DEAD FUCKING WRONG. It's almost the end. But I've got one more thing to show you after this, and it's almost entirely picture-based, thank god, so you come back here, same time, same channel, whatever...
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