Joe's E3 2006 - The Attack Panties (or The Panties What Attack) and Other Tales
Review By: Joe

CLICK HERE TO READ ALL ABOUT E3 2006 DAY ONE! AND HERE IF YOU'S IS ALL ABOUT THE DAY TWO STYLE!!! OH AND HOW ABOUT HERE TO LEARN ABOUT DAY THREE, HUH?!? HOW 'BOUT IT?!??

Now I was going to just tell you guys this one very important thing that happened after the E3 2006 convention, but I just remembered some stuff from my third day that I never mentioned so...

OH, I FORGOT ABOUT THIS STUFF.

Run away!

Now, I don't have any pictures for these two "lost" events of E3, so you're gonna have to try this new, experimental technique out with me in which I simply (listen closely) explain to you "in WORDS" what it is that happened in a given situation and you, using your brain (and maybe your eyes? I don't know, it's very experimental), sort of "VISUALIZE" what it is that I'm saying, instead of actually SEEING it. It's sort of like really boring television.

So! Now that you are prepared for the experiment (put on hazard suit), I tell you the truths you are so psyched to VISUALIZE about:

nVidia or, as I call them, ee cummings but cooler, was running a contest in which they gave out green buttons to wear that said "Are you my match?" on them, followed by a number. The idea of it was that you put on your own button and then went around the show floor getting in people's way to read their buttons (because the numbers were quite small and several digits in length) to see if you shared the same number.

They should run bars in this fashion, I think, but just give guys blue buttons and girls pink buttons (I mean, what other colors would they use?). If it's a gay bar, you only have to buy one color of button. So, basically, nVidia was running a huge gay bar in the middle of a gaming convention, is what I'm saying.

So, if you found your match, the two of you got to spin a wheel and win a prize each. My friends and I managed to catch two guys who actually found each other. One spun the wheel and got some pretty sweet video card, but the other guy got some lame twenty or thirty dollar gift certificate to I don't even know where, a gay bar possibly.

"Well, the real prize is that they found each other," I said.

What a great story.

Now, the other thing that happened was that I was in the Lucasarts area with the guy I'm supposed to be writing for but I'm a dick so I haven't yet. Lucasarts, even though they only make Star Wars games and crap nobody cares about anymore, somehow (George Lucas money) manages to have an obtrusive, snooty presence at E3 every damn year or, at least, they have for both years I've attended. They always get the huge video screen that you see every time you walk towards the South Hall to showcase their uninteresting trailers all three days and, rather than have a regular booth out on the floor like everybody else, they sequester themselves in a room in one of the hallways and only allow people in by appointment. WELL, except on the last day, at which point you got to wait in a line and get in several people at a time. Which is what we did.

So all Lucasarts (I keep typing "Lucasrats" by accident and I swear to GOD I'M ABOUT TO JUST LEAVE IT THAT WAY) had to show was this next-generation Indiana Jones game that they're very happy with themselves about because it has some engine that, according to the guy who explained it to us, gives all of the characters in the game a brain and a nervous system. That's right! Lucasarts is creating life!!! Anyway, they only had a couple of videos to show of 3D people acting like wackjobs. The main thing about it that I was aware of were the ridiculous ragdoll physics that resulted in things like Indy punching a guy, sending him flying and getting his face stuck inside a car.

The only other game they seemed to have at all was the new Lego Star Wars, which I guess is great if you're like five.

"Do the Lego characters have brains too?" I asked, but not to a representative's face, because I'm an undercover dick.

I then started openly complaining about Lego Star Wars because I was tired of being undercover and because I have a lot of very serious opinions about Lego Star Wars. As I did this, a guy with a beard was leaving the area and he turned around and looked right at me very quickly. I'm almost positive the guy was Tim Schafer, who I really like and respect, so I wonder if he really likes Lego Star Wars and I really offended him and that is why he looked at me. Anyway, I wish I'd run after him because I would have liked to talk to Mr. Schafer. We surely would've gotten along really well except for our differing opinions on Lego Star Wars.

I asked the man at the Lucasarts desk if Tim Schafer had been around (since I wasn't sure if it was him or not), forgetting completely as I did so that Tim Schafer no longer works at Lucasrats.

"Oh, I think I saw him around. He has some friends here."

"Oh, okay, because I thought I just saw him leaving, but I wasn't sure."

"Oh, well, could've been."

"He had a beard."

"Well, maybe it was!"

"Okay, thanks."

What a great story, guys. NOW E3 IS DONE WITH FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But wait? What happened...AFTER?!?

HYATT?!? SHA-ZAM!!!!

Believe it or not, I took this picture. It looks like a goddamned postcard, doesn't it? "Wishing you were at my rich person's hotel!!!" is what it would say. Yeah.

Due to some crazy nonsense (possibly involving religious persecution) that I don't care to understand, my friend Keran's dad had arranged for us to stay in the uberly-classy Hyatt hotel in Garden Grove, California for the last three days of our time in the state. This is not that far from Anaheim, where Disneyland lives. Therefore, this entire area is an odd duck, as it's essentially a strip of highway peppered with huge hotels and west coast fast food places like Del Taco and Jack in the Box. The hotels are for the white tourists who come to see Disneyland. The Del Tacos and Jack in the Boxes are for the Mexicans who staff the hotels and Disneyland.

Want to see something great from the Hyatt? OKAY!!

That's right! It only cost THREE DOLLARS to drink this one liter bottle of warm Aquafina water they leave in your room! Ah, the classiness!!!

Now it is time to tell you a story in pictures.

THE ATTACK PANTIES!!! (or The Panties What Attack)

I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!

You see those panties on my big, fat head? Well! You see, another thing that happened the last day of E3 was that Keran and I walked by a booth where this hottie was handing out these panties for some game called Wild Summer! (I think). When I first went by this booth, the game I saw had a guy running and jumping across rooftops and stuff and I, quite genuinely, thought it was an extreme walking game but, no, apparently it's about picking up 3D chicks (by jumping across rooftops) or something. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do with a pair of panties with a video game advertisement on them, let alone a pair of panties, but I saw a pretty girl handing me something so I took whatever it was.

NOW!!! ARE YOU READY FOR THE TALE OF THE ATTACK PANTIES BECAUSE AWWWWW HERE IT GOES!!!


Keran tries to steal a light bulb!!!


THE PANTIES ATTACK!!! Keran flees to the other side of the room with the panties in hot, wet pursuit!!!!


Utilizing quick thinking and fat-like reflexes, Keran grabs a lamp shade, as the panties close in!!!


KA-BOINGGGG!!!! The panties are repelled by Keran's lamp shade helmet!!!


But, oh no! They are headed straight for me now and there is no time to--


NOOOOOO!!! HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE BEEN HIT IN THE FACE WITH PROMOTIONAL PANTIES!!!!!


After ravaging my good looks, the panties flee the scene, possibly to bug the people staying in the room across the hall.

Ah, what a fine trip! And a fine use of film! So glad you could join us. Here's one more picture of the Hyatt with Keran in front of it. See if you can find him!!! It's a game!!!!


Watercrest out!!! Or whatever it is people say these days.


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