Jeff's Failed LTM Articles
By: Jeff

LISTEN TO JOE:

Hey, folks. Once in a rare while, one of us will begin crafting a brilliant piece of literary cow patty (with some purty images to abet!) and then decide partway through, no, NO!, this won't do! This is not up to Listen to Me's standards of fucking quality!! Fucking quality standards! Fuck!

No, actually, this is a lie. More likely, we just get too lazy to see what we've done through to the end. So, in effect, these articles we gave up on are just as good as what's up here already! Except unfinished. Which is maybe even better, because then they're shorter, see?

Anyway, in honor of our, um, what is this now?, sixth year I guess, of wallowing in internet obscurity, we are sharing with you, the lucky SOB at yo PC, some of the articles we intended to one day show the internet but then we were all like, "Eh, whatever."

We're gonna divide this up bloke by bloke so, firstly, we have Jeff! TAKE IT AWAY, OLD BOY.

JEFF!!!!:

Ok, here are some of my failures that actually got past my "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea" stage of thought.

Fan-Fiction and You: A Bridge to the Landfill

This was going to be a guide to writing the only thing worse than Goth poetry: Fan-Fiction. The plan was to go over the basic steps and rules applied to making these proofs of God's non-existence while giving examples of each part. I was pretty spastic in writing it with the intent on piecing it all together once each topic was covered but the more I look at it, the more I realized that if I were to finish this, then I'd only be adding to the problem. So, here's what I did get done:

Step 1: Characters

The first thing anyone should do before writing Fan-Fiction, is contemplate which of your favorite characters is deserving of being ass-raped by you, the "author." Depending on whom your story will focus on, you'll want to make changes to their personality. If the main character of your story is the lead of his/her/its respected fiction then you'll want the make them edgier, because that's what you think everyone loves. Here's an example that I've provided using Gilligan from the greatest Sci-Fi / Rap-Rock show of all time: Gilligan's Island.


               As Gilligan stood in the circle of Cannibals, hungry for his flesh,
               a smile grew across his face.

               "You want some of this!?" he yelled, spitting blood from his mouth
               while picking up a broken spear from the ground.

               Suddenly, a strange humming sound could be heard and atop the
               chief's hut, a dim light grew more and more brilliant. Then, in an
               instant, the light shot forward and cut through the circle of savages
               surrounding Gilligan. After a couple seconds, an image appeared
               through the smoke of the charred cannibals. It was the Professor
               wielding a laser fashioned from bamboo, coconuts and crabmeat.


From this, you can see just how stupid making things edgier can be, wait, did I say "stupid" I meant "awesome."

If your main character is secondary in their respective fiction, then be sure to make them faster, stronger and smarter than they normally are while dumbing down everyone else, reducing them to mindless drones that yell out things like "I'M ON IT!" and are quickly obliterated by a barrage of straws.

Remember, even though these characters are the property of their respective owners, this is only stated on paper and will remain so until we reach the year 3364, where owning anything is punishable by a laser tag death-match on Mars. So go ahead and ignore all that pesky trademark bullshit and mess around with the continuity of your favorite characters cause it's not your fault that their original creators weren't smart enough to come up with the brilliant ideas you have.

Step 3: You

Now let's talk about the most important aspect of Fan-Fiction: self-insertion. Yes, by simply putting yourself into the story, you can live out your sad fantasy of being with the fictional character of your choosing. The most common use of self-insertion is to be the main character's sidekick, following them everywhere like a lost dog while pointing out their many mistakes and generally giving the impression that you're the most intelligent being in the universe and all should bow before you and your mad Fan-Fiction writing skillz. Other forms include being a relative of a character or even the all-powerful villain that's not really evil but makes everyone think they are to hide their secret love of posters featuring kittens with cute phrases.

Step 8: "Action"

Is it getting hot in here, or is it just your hot and sexy Fanfic that's steaming the place up? You know what I'm talking about, oh yeah, that's right I'M TALKIN' BOUT S-E-X, BABY! You've gone this far up the ladder so you may as well jump into the empty swimming pool below and throw in some lovin'. What's that? You don't know how to go about writing it? Well sit right down there on that crate of broken coke bottles and I'll give you an example.


               Bill looked at Emily and could think of only one thing, the sex.
               So he, like, grabbed her and did her up real good and then he
               said "Make me a sandwich, woman!" and she did so...Thumbs Up.


You didn't actually think I was going to write something good did you? MOVING ON!

Now that you know everything I think there is to know about writing your own Fan-Fiction, the only thing left to do now is to get to work and let your imagination throw up all over the place. Once your fic is done, be sure to print it out and move the file on your PC to the Recycling Bin and select "Empty" that will ensure that your work will be saved and your good ideas are recycled for later use. With the print copy of your Fanfic, place it into a shredder and then spread the strips around town so everyone can share in your wonderful work.

Chinese Nes Pirates

The plan was to write an article about pirate NES games and how cool it is that they're able to port 16-bit titles to an 8-bit system. Of course all those games sucked but the graphics did look nice and it gave a good example of what the system could've been capable of. This screenshot is an obvious fake I made because I couldn't find the CD I had put my NES games on and I needed an example pic. I gave up on the article after making the pic and decided to work on a much better idea: "rare" NES games.

Dr. Chaos / House

I had planned on writing an article comparing the Comedy Horror movie "House" with the NES game "Dr. Chaos" in an attempt to see if the game was, in fact, based on the movie. I decided to give it up after I couldn't find a way to not make it read like Stereo instructions, but I did get some images to compare the two.

Freddy VS Jason

Around the time the movie came out, I decided to determine a winner by comparing their NES games. I played through each one and made notes of each's strength and weakness, coming to the conclusion that Friday the 13th is the better of the two. Not because I like those movies more, but because the game is a lot deeper then the A Nightmare on Elm Street game and had a good amount of strategy to it. Also, doesn't it seem strange that Friday the 13th got the Nintendo Seal of Approval even though it implies the murder of children?


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