Lauren's Failed LTM Articles
By: Lauren

So like a week ago it was Listen To Me's birfday! But technically since it is Listen To Me we can't put stuff up until it is too late! This, my friends, is how we roll. For LTM's big birthday blowout bonanza we decided to discuss ideas or articles we planned on writing but never did. These articles could have failed for a number of reasons, such as apathy, laziness, or being too busy masturbating to midget porn.

Two years ago I had an awesome idea: to review LTM and its staff. I had everyone tell me what they thought their best and worst articles were. You can already see the flaw in this idea because there has to be a "best", which is like saying "which of your pieces of shit smells better". Plus that and I realized what I was writing wasn't even remotely interesting. KIND OF LIKE ALMOST EVERYTHING ELSE I HAVE WROTE! Except this article stunk worse than the rest of my shit. Let's take a gander. I shall be putting in new comments marked with a *.

The LTM Staff: A Review

First of all: What the Fuck Kevin! (*I don't remember why I wrote the name Kevin?) How do you like the title of this article? "LTM Staff"! It's not like we are on the payroll. Screw you Gringo! (*More like Joe) So anyway, this is a review of all of us. Yes even Darth Phenom (henceforth referred to as penis). (*This is funny because I never even got that far) (*and he is a penis)

Let us start off with the site's owner and moderator, Gringo. (*Not anymore.) First of all, he is British. (*He is still British) So at least he has an excuse for being stupid. (*He is still stupid) That aside I think he has the highest quality (HA!) articles. Gringo also gets props for the most articles. To be honest though I only read about 70% of his "updates". Basically because I know what it is going to say. "Hello I am British. Cunt cunty cuntish cunt face, (Insert movie title here) was a cunt!"

Actually my favorite Gringo lines are "it's a tune that's stuck in my brain like that piece of shrapnel from 'Nam. FUCK YOU, DIRTY GOOKS!" , "Hello! Gringo here! I wrote a rant! You do not care! Exclamation marks are a nasty!" The last one embodies a Gringo article. (*In retrospect neither of those things are very funny)

Gringo also gains points for his writing style. His sentence fragments and lack of any sort of convention are quite funny. He also has the best ideas for things like competitions and articles and such.

Gringo gets a 7 out of 10. (*Waaaay too many stars)

Next up we have Joe. Where would this site be without Joe? Probably still accessible from my school's computers. Damn filter. Joe writes like a mad man who is insane and crazy also! (*And a Loon!) Joe's articles are the longest, so you gets more of the awesomeness. Joe also has that inane writing style, and periods of his writing where it just drifts off into something new. In my opinion Joe is the most entertaining "staff member" here at LTM. Some favorite Joe quotes include:

"I want to write one of those reviews where I yell and curse a lot!" and "some crazy marriage between the two where the kids look like cheese wheels with that triangle cut out of them." If you want a synopsis on Joe go to the rant page and read the Really Important Disclaimer!!! (*That thing about cheese is still funny)

Joe gets a 6 (*1) out of 10. He would have gotten higher but he makes fun of my name...a lot.

After that I had no idea where I was going with this, so I gave up. Because that is how I roll.


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