Gringo's Failed LTM Articles
By: Gringo

Wouldn't it be witty to say that all my articles are failed? No, no it would not. On that confrontational note, let's begin!

Oh my, I have a bunch of unfinished LTM articles and even some unfinished fake sites that will never see the light of day. Part of the reason is laziness, but part of the reason is technical. See, my computer did that most cliche of things and crashed, casting these pearls among swine into technology heaven. They'll be in my dreams, always.

Let me split up my failed endeavors thusly into articles and fake sites!

Failed Articles

Bubba Ho-Tep

In the interests of full disclosure, let me say that this article was going to be less a review of the Bruce Campbell movie Bubba Ho-Tep and more a hate-filled diatribe against that small section of society that seems to revere Campbell as some sort of supreme being FOR NO REASON. They just call him "cool" as if merely giving him that label is justification enough.

Why is he cool, you fat, bearded, balding 30-something? Uh...I mean, generic person who thinks that Mr. Campbell is cool? I'm not attacking the actor, I'm sure he's a jolly nice fellow, but there seems to be this weird cult surrounding him that is unable to actually elaborate on why they love him so much other than "Well, uh, you know, he was in a couple of offbeat movies and stuff...oh, and he doesn't take himself too seriously."

Because those people are very hard to find. Quite.

Oops, I realized that I just slipped from telling you about the article to actually starting to write the damn thing again. Anyway, I had actually written my review/rant about Bubba Ho-Tep out in longhand, which is something I rarely do because (1) I'm lazy and (2) see (1). However, I never could muster the interest to go through the process of typing up my page-long article. Once I write these things, I like to forget about them and never see them again. Kind of like when an ex calls up saying they're pregnant/got an STD/broke, and I magically lose their cell phone number.

So this article failed because of my laziness. Plus, the handwritten notes are now long gone, lost somewhere in a trash heap. One day someone will make a million dollars discovering them! But for now, Bruce Campbell is spared.

Shopgirl

This was going to be a review of the Steve Martin movie in which he plays a rich old man who bizarrely narrates (in the third person) the tale of how he gets with a young, aimless girl. I got as far as the tagline, which was this:

Old man + odd girl + waster = SEX PARTY!

Yeah, I agree, it's a good idea I didn't persist writing this one.

Failed Fake Sites

LTM TV

Oh my, was this a pearl of a fake site. I seriously spent a long, long time working on a fake site that was all about a world where LTM has its own television station. Among the shows featured were That's My Hitler!, Dead Celebrity Squares, Muppets & Puppets (a rip-off of Freaks & Geeks but featuring the cast of Sesame Street) and more fun shows. My, that's a lot of italics in one paragraph!

This fake site was all ready to go up on the internut. So what's the problem? The problem is that I saved the fake site to a CD, but have no idea where that CD is. So until then, we can only lament the loss of what might actually have been semi-funny.

However, I'm not going to give away more about this fake site, because it may actually resurface one day. Altogether now: HURRAH!

CONCLUSION ROYALE!

Hmm, I actually only have two articles that I definitely am never going to get round to, and the fake site in question might actually be uploaded one day. So, in conclusion, happy birthday LTM! Yes.


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