Joe's Failed LTM Articles
By: Joe

Hey, folks. Once in a rare while, one of us will begin crafting a brilliant piece of literary cow patty (with some purty images to abet!) and then decide partway through, no, NO!, this won't do! This is not up to Listen to Me's standards of fucking quality!! Fucking quality standards! Fuck!

No, actually, this is a lie. More likely, we just get too lazy to see what we've done through to the end. So, in effect, these articles we gave up on are just as good as what's up here already! Except unfinished. Which is maybe even better, because then they're shorter, see?

Anyway, in honor of our, um, what is this now?, sixth year I guess, of wallowing in internet obscurity, we are sharing with you, the lucky SOB at yo PC, some of the articles we intended to one day show the internet but then we were all like, "Eh, whatever."

THESE ONES ARE MINE!! JOE!!!!!

So there have certainly been a number of articles I just plain didn't put up or only started a sentence or two and then quit, but there are a select few that I categorize as being truly failed, in that I actually made a genuine attempt at getting somewhere with them and then fucked off after awhile.

Some of the simpler failures are what we out on the field call "OUT ON THE FIELD WITH LTM" out on the field. These are the times that an illustrious member of our "staff" happens to go somewhere and then, like, write about it sort of. It's an experimental concept, I don't expect you to get it. Such assignments are especially fun for me, as I get to see what leaving my house feels like. So warm out there, huh?!

E3 2002

If you have absolutely nothing left to do in your life whatsoever, you can find mentions of this little excursion sprinkled in various places throughout the site. Gringo and I, thanks to some backdoor internet shennanigans, had both managed press passes to the Electronic Entertainment Expo of 2002. Sir Gringo and I were supposed to meet up there (we actually had not met IRL at this point, lol). Instead, Gringo only looked around the show floor for less than a day, then opted to hang out with some friends in Las Vegas, so I was left to cover E3 myself. So I didn't.

Basically, all I could muster up as far as humor was concerned was to have every photo I took involve my middle finger in some way. Picture of the Eidos logo...WITH MY MIDDLE FINGER IN FRONT!! Picture of some company named JOWOOD's logo + BIRD FLIP!!! Me standing next to booth babes...WITH MY SALUTE TO THE STARS AT THE READY!!!!

My ultimate goal had actually been to see how many booth babes I could get to rock the middle digit in photos with me. None of them did, with the exception of one (you can see the unimpressive photo in my E3 2006 article), but I continued to resolutely keep it up myself all the same, resulting in numerous pictures of me next to hot women, looking ULTRACOOL with my mean finger up! I don't even know where these pictures are anymore and they aren't worth finding anyway, not as much as that picture from Disneyland of Mr. Toad getting punched in the chin...IN 2002!!!!

Mindless Self Indulgence Concert

My friends and I went to a Mindless Self Indulgence concert, I believe, way back in 2001. I wrote about it briefly right here so I'm, rather classily, just gonna rip off some of what I said there.

Apparently the concert I went to was a HISTORICAL one in which the whole band ran outside and jumped on a van and continued playing from there. My friends and I were some of the first to follow the lead singer while other fools just stood around being foolish. You do not believe me? Here is a picture:

Yeah, it doesn't look like a van is involved, I know. In fact, it barely looks like anything. What, you think they are levitating? Well, they aren't. All the pictures I have from that night are quite poor and mostly center around the back of a kid with a Pennywise shirt on. In fact, as I recall, my plan was to put all the pictures up (most of them really DO have that Pennwise kid's back in them) and then end the review with "What did I learn from this? Listen to Pennywise." SO FUNNY!!! Pennywise sucks, by the way.

Also, the last picture in the roll was supposed to be a picture of my fat friend standing on the sidewalk but instead we got something that looks like a close-up of a radiator. You do not believe me? Here:

Our only explanation is that he must have turned into a radiator at that point in the night and we didn't realize it when we took the picture. Moving on...


Literal Advertisements

This here was a VERY DEEP CONCEPT I had, the idea of which was basically to demonstrate how I think advertisements (print ones, I suppose, but any really) should operate. Rather than relying on gimmicks and graphics and slogans, they should just say exactly what it is they do. There'd be no competing brand names (products would just be by name: CONDOMS, DETERGENT, ETC.), no celebrities telling you what stuff to wear, just a blatant description of what a product did. The more I think about this now, the more I think it's just communism.

Anyway, if you haven't taken a look at any of my comics, I should let you know that I have no artistic ability whatsoever and don't own a copy of photoshop. The reason this one fell through is that I couldn't get anybody to make the ads the way I wanted them. I tried to explain it, but no one seemed to fully understand the concept. Hmm! Maybe it wasn't funny. Gringo made me one ad that I no longer have that had a woman smoking and it said "Because you're a cunt... Cigarettes!" This was kind of funny, but wasn't along the lines of what I wanted. The only thing I have was this example I made, hoping someone could photoshop this onto a real box or something:

Anyway, yeah, I don't even think this was that funny.


Britney Spears - Live From Las Vegas

Hey, remember how HOT Britney Spears used to be?! SO HOT!! It's really very sad the way in which she's deteriorated and now lives out the quintessential redneck lifestyle with the Irish twins and the feathered hair, except with more money and under the watchful eye of the paparazzi. Anyway, again, back in 2001 (when I had ALLLL my ideas), Britney was at the top of her booty-shakin' game with her utterly atrocious and gramatically offensive new hit, "I'm a Slave 4 U." The song consisted of little more than some retarded bou-bi-bou synthetic drum sounds and some record scratches, but Britney usually performed it wearing next to nothing, which helped to salvage it immensely.

Another thing Britney had coming up that was BIGTIME was her Live from Las Vegas special on HBO. Acting entirely on orders from my weiner, I watched the whole thing. I came up with this crazy CRAZY funny idea of judging the concert entirely on wankability, on a scale from one to five, using these festive little icons:

Anyway, although I had all these lovely ideas, I just plain never got around to doing it. I did, however, enlist Gringo to doctor three pictures from the show and they have gone down in history as being the funniest thing for LTM ever that we didn't show you because it was too cool. Or not, I dunno. I still like them okay though. Anyway, to take us out, here are all three lovely pictures! ENJOY!!!


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