Temporary Nonsense
By: Joe

Today I am going to tell you about temp work, something all you white kids are going to face as soon as you get out of your cushy little college.

"OHHH AFTER GRADUATION I AM GOING TO BE A RUNAWAY ROCKET SUCCESS TRAIN TO THE STARS AND/OR MARS! MY ASIAN STUDIES MAJOR/PHILOSOPHY MINOR IS GOING TO TAKE ME SO FAAAAAARRR!"

Haha, you guys are funny. Understand this. At least in the good ol' US of United States, undergraduate studies mean NOTHING to NOBODY anymore and are little more than a stepping stone to graduate studies. If you major in something boring like Business, yes, you will probably do okay. You will go to an insurance company and when you go through the soul detector at the door it will not go off and they will say to you "WELCOME ABOARD, APPENDAGE, PLEASE STEP OVER HERE TO RECEIVE COMPUTER CHIP IN NECK" and you will say "WHOOP!" but you will say it in businessman speak, which tends to be far more understated. I guess it'll be like "All right then."

But, ah, you see? Truly you, the soulless one, are the one to be envied. For the rest of you nimrodicusses think you have something to contribute to society on a GRAND scale. You think you gonna get out there with your arts and your crafts and your heads full of wonder and bollocks and you're gonna be like "CHECK OUT THIS JAM I JUST PENNED" and people are actually gonna listen to it. And you'll avoid entering the officeplace, oh you'll try. You'll take all your parents' money with your lofty little endeavors. "Ohh ohhhhh ma and pa, I'm sure as soon as the people over at Random House get my sample chapter, I will be rolling in the G's! And my integrity will still be intact!"

HA! You a dumb!

Now, listen. There's a good part about entering the officeplace workforce (aka the workplace officeforce). And it is called...TEMPING.

Never discount temping and how awesome it can be. The major thing that might be unfortunate is having to dress in a businesslike manner. If you are a real lucky donkey, like yours truly, perhaps you'll end up somewhere where casualness is the order of the day and you can come in looking like the vomit of society and, honey, let me tell you, that's what you is!

Now let me list the positives:

THE BEAUTY OF TEMPING
A Definitive Fucking List


NUMERO ONEO
Keep that classy drug habit going.

The first beauty of temping is that, for one thing, I'm sure some agencies must do it (and if they do, nuts to them! There are plenty more tempfish in the sea and unlike women they usually call you back eventually!), but most of the ones I'm aware, nobody gon drug test yas. That's right! Just out of college and hooked on the pot? Or the crank? Or the horse? Or the...um...Snood? Well, you can still keep that naughty, filthy little habit going! Nobody's gonna know! Nobody's gonna care! Hell, you can come to work and be on an entirely different plane if you get my drift! Eh? EH?!? DRUGS!!!!

Snood sucks by the way.


THE SECOND ONE
Screw office birthday "parties!"

Evidently, as some kind of BS method of keeping up morale and fooling the worker bees into believing the company actually cares about them, every time someone in the office's birthday rolls around, a "party" of sorts is planned. These "parties" aren't so much parties as they are everyone standing in one part of the office and eating a cake that just got bought at a store and being like "Oh hahaha, hi, we are talking in person when usually we only confer by e-mail, so nice to see your face, the weather is unseasonably weather-like, hey, I like filing too, I'm allergic to frosting, oh my god, what is happening to my face, why was I not more careful, evacuate the premises!!!"

Anyhoo, the BEAUTY of being a temp is that nobody expects you to go to these stupid parties and nobody's gonna throw one for you either! You can have your birthday in miserable solitude just how you like it! And when other people's birthdays show up, you can hide away at your desk until the fervor has died down, then run over, grab you some cake, and get your ass back to staring at your screen doing nothin'!!! ROCK!!!


THREE OF THEM
MONEY + LIES = SMILES ALL AROUND!!!

More BEAUTY is derived from the fact that you are not paid by the company at which you are working! Oh, no! You are paid by your temp agency! As such, you will probably have some sort of system where you get a timesheet you fill out and bring to the agency at the end of each week. Yes, the legwork involved in going to a seperate place just to ensure you are getting paid is a little lame, but look at it this way! YOU CAN LIE ALL THE TIME AND NOT NOBODY GONNA KNOW YOU DONE DID IT!!!

I have been consistently LATE by AT LEAST an HOUR nearly every day I've been working at the current place I am working! What do I write on my timesheet?! That I got in at the right time every morning and that I only take a half-hour lunchbreak every day! If you ask me, almost my entire day is a lunchbreak! So, the way I figure it, if I'm gonna lie anyway, why not go the whole nine shebangs?!? OOH BABY WHEN SHE MOVES!!!


THE FOURTH ONE IS THE IMPORTANT ONE
NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU.

Although technically I could've lumped some of the stuff I said earlier into this one category, then there'd only be like two things in this whole list and that's just stupid.

So, easily the most glorious bit of BOOTY about temping is that NOBODY GIVES ANY AMOUNT OF SHIT ABOUT YOU.

Think about how sweet that is! I already told you I come in late every day! EVERY DAY!!! I've stopped setting my alarm clock for the proper time! I just set it later! Because I can! I make my own hours!!!

Additionally, when you're temping, people don't expect much out of you.

"HEY," your boss-type figure will say, "I need this document stapled in three spots. Here, here, and here! It is a four part job really, because first you have to go borrow a stapler from somebody and then there are one, two, three staples. Actually, it is a five part job, because you also have to return the stapler. I know it might seem like things are going a little fast right now, but you will fit in in no time! I will come back in three hours and see how you are coming along."

IF YOUR "BOSS" (You a temp! He don't OWN you!) COMES BACK AND YOU HAVE TWO STAPLES IN THERE HE'LL BE LIKE "WELL WELL, WE'VE GOT AN IVY LEAGUER ON OUR HANDS HERE!"

People FORGET you're even there have the time. Yes, you get the shit jobs, but the shit jobs are easy and if you have half a brain, you get them done real fast leaving the rest of your day open to find videos on the internet of cats doing stupid shit! Or to masturbate in the bathroom!! Or to masturbate to videos of cats doing stupid shit!!! You are fucked up and have a problem.

This is why temping excels! Nobody cares! You don't gotta go to no office parties! You don't gotta go to no orientations! There'll be times when you'll see the whole goddamned office clear out! Oh! Must be time for a meeting! Guess who don't have to go?! YOUR ASS!!! And the rest of you too!!! You could leave for hours and people wouldn't even realize! The people in the office don't have to get to know you and you don't have to get to know them! You gonna be gone in a month anyway!

You ain't on the corporate ladder! You're not even on the bottom rung of the goddamned thing!! You're standing BEHIND the ladder!!! The only worry you have is if someone falls off and lands on you. Because, well, you don't have any health insurance.


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