Joe's Best 2006
By: Joe

2006 reminded me a lot of 2005, which, in turn, recalled memories of 2004, which I kind of remember being like 2003 and 2003, well, that was really just a shoddy facsimile of 2002, which was kind of like if 2001 had a retarded twin brother, whereas 2001 was like the stepson of 2000, which was in no related to 1999, but as soon as you saw the two side by side, you could swear they were separated at birth or something, but the impact was somewhat lessened because 1999 was basically 1998 with a fake moustache, but without the eyeliner, which was the only differentiation between it and 1997, which smelled and tasted almost exactly like 1996, but if you were very perceptive you might've noticed the addition of Splenda, which was nowhere to be found in 1995, but Sweet N' Low did the job back then, just like in 1994, except without the tongue ring, which you couldn't even really see most of the time so it barely made a difference, but, hey, 1993 was the sign of a big change, as its behavior was mostly based on heart rather than feeling, as was the case in 1992, which was basically just trying to be 1991, which spoke from the gut, but, honestly, all 1991 really wanted was to be 1990, which did everything based on the balls, which was kind of grody, but was keeping with the standards of 1989, which used deoderant, but not the anti-perspirant kind because it's more "natural" that way or some bullshit like that, but I guess it was still technically a step up from 1988, which just hid Glade plug-ins under its pits, but that did emulate the flowery smell of 1987, which was as artificial an attempt at beauty as 1986's push-up bra, 1985's face lift, 1984's tummy tuck, 1983's attempts at being politically correct, and 1982's insistence on sending Christmas cards to everyone it had ever come into contact with at any point throughout its career.

I'm afraid any thoughts I'd have on any years prior to this would be assumptions as I hadn't been born yet.

Now it's time to grab a bunch of events from the last couple of months and pretend like they're the ultimate representations of the highest and lowest points of the entire year.

THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Game(s) of the Year: Okami/God Hand

There was nothing as resoundingly kick-ass as Resident Evil 4 this year to definitively blow everything else out of the water, but Clover Studios did an awesome job releasing two wildly different, but both great, games within a month of each other that I believe are perfect companion pieces. PIECES!!!

Okami is a real purty-like Zelda ripoff that, unlike Zelda, I actually enjoy playing. It's a lot of fun, it has a sweet gameplay mechanic of using a paintbrush to activate powers, and it's sooooooooooooo long. So long, in fact, that I needed a break from it, which happened to coincide with the release of God Hand (at a sexy $30 price point).

Unlike Okami, which is story-driven and based largely on exploration, God Hand is a bunch of nonsense with some pretty shoddy graphics and levels clearly designed as afterthoughts. Luckily, the fighting engine is so good that this is easily the best attempt at a 3D beat-'em-up I've ever played. It's also quite long and incredibly addicting (the fact that I understand it's based on a heavily modified version of the Resident Evil 4 engine makes a lot of sense). The weakest part of Okami is its fighting, so it's nice that God Hand is there to pick up the slack. Now that I've had my fill of fighting endless waves of enemies spouting Mike Tyson phrases (yes, really), I'm ready to get back into Okami again. Lovely!

And, for those wondering, I don't doubt that some great stuff came out on the XBox 360 and the Nintendo DS, but I have no access to those. Oh well! This is why the Best/Worst lists at this website are so professional!

2. Film of the Year: Children of Men

Get away or Clive Owen shoot you! He got himself hid good.

Ok, so this movie basically squeaked in just in time to be a 2006 release and maybe I'm only putting it on here because I can't even remember anything before last week, but I truly can't recall that many films this year that I could assess as being good within the first twenty minutes (there's a good chance I saw all the wrong movies this year). Children of Men is hardly spectacular and it didn't change my life or anything, but, quite simply, it's a rather well-made film. I don't think it's that deep, in fact, it's quite dumb and I don't think a character who speaks in the third person is ever necessary, but this is a well-composed film that I enjoyed watching. And some of the scenes are so awesomely freaking awesome that they make the whole thing worth seeing.

Runner(s)-Up(s): Is it "runners-up" or "runner-ups?" Well, whatever. A Scanner Darkly was an interesting little experiment, as was Silent Hill. Both sort of made me feel like I was watching a video game, which was kind of cool.

3. Ho of the Year: Miss Nevada

Yes, it is possible to find this picture sans the little stars, but this is a fucking family site for shit's sake.

I never would have even heard of Katie Rees if she hadn't gotten in a bunch of trouble for taking pictures with her friends of them drunk and performing simulated sex acts. Honestly, I'm sure the stuff she did is nothing special compared to the behavior of your average stupid, drunk chick. The important thing is that Katie Rees is famous enough that these pictures got widely distributed on the internet and also she's hot and her and her friends all have exceptional boob situations. I salute them!!!

Running Up and Down the Block: Kristanna Loken's sex scene in the Uwe Boll classic, Bloodrayne, bears some mention for being pretty hot and for Kristanna showing off the chestal area. I'm not trying to imply Kristanna is a ho, I'm just naming one of the more alluring things I saw this past year. Also, that Buttons video by The Pussycat Dolls, who I am trying to imply are hos.

Incidentally, Christina Ricci would be all over this category if Black Snake Moan had come out already. SORRY, CHRISTINA!!! CHECK BACK NEXT YEAR!

4. Best Random Thing I Discovered this Year that Didn't Actually Even Have Anything to Do With the Year Itself: Alizee

More stuff about hot girls to make the straight female readers (hallo?) feel uncomfortable. In 2004, I randomly decided to bring up t.A.T.u. in my Best/Worst list even though they hadn't done a damn thing. Well, to recall that thing I did that one time two years ago, here's Alizee.

Alizee is a sexy little French gal who moves her butt around in a nice way. I guess she kind of has a big forehead, but that's okay. Because look at her butt. Apparently, she makes music or something...whatever.

See? Butt.

Anyway, I don't know how I missed out on this lass till now, but I managed to pick the year to find out about her in which she's been basically completely MIA. But apparently she's working on a new album for the coming year, so I am looking forward to that!! Or the taping of live performances that will get converted to YouTube clips as a result of the album anyway.

5. Album of the Year: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Show Your Bones

This was a very good album. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs reinvented themselves and did a fine job of it. I listened to this for like two months straight. Oh and I wrote a review of it.

6. Best Random Song from the Nineties that I Suddenly Remembered and then Listened to for Like Three Days Straight: The Cranberries - "Zombie"

I oddly thought of this song and started listening to it right before Lauren sent me his stupid, I mean great, review of a movie of the same name. Who don't love that odd Scottish lilt? WHO DON'T?!?

7. Racism

Ohmigosh!! So much crazy celebrity kerfuffling this year! And in the form of racial slurs! My word!!! The thing people seem to forget about celebrities is that they're just as flawed as we are (sometimes more flawed)!! And a lot of us are racist. Our racism just doesn't tend to get caught on camera.

First there was good old Mel Gibson being both anti-semitic and sexist. Then we had Michael Richards discussing the finer points of sticking forks up black people's asses and finally there was Rosie O'Donnell ignorantly insulting the Chinese! And then making a really half-hearted apology!!

I was terribly amused by all of this so racism gets a check-check-plus in my book this year. Especially because, without Kramer's racism, we'd never have gotten something this beautiful.

8. Nintendo

Nintendo was easily the coolest video game company this year. I've yet to support them with my cash money, but I hope to get a DS Lite in the near future and, basically, even though the Wii is little more than tech demo right now, Nintendo is innovating like crazy in just about everything they are doing and I really respect them for that. Not to mention, they're making it affordable for those of us who took the first job we could get regardless of pay. Also, they're being so kind as to send out new wrist straps for people who don't know how to NOT THROW A CONTROLLER.

9. Best thing(s) to Come Out of Nem Internets: Crazy Telemarketer Lady/Talking Cat

Yes, two awards because both of these things, and the stuff that Ytmnd made out of them, are wonderful:

Original Crazy Telemarketer Call

Crazy Telemarketer Lady vs. Howard Dean

Crazy Telemarketing Gangsta Rap

Talking Kitties

Then this!!!

And this!!!


That'll do, pig.


Yeah, that's right, I said it. I know this site invented self-deprecation and all, but, fuck all y'all. This is pretty much the best site on the internet. The internet is just too lame to realize it.



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