Joe's Worst of 2006
By: Joe

Hello there! Over here I detailed what I believed to be the best things about 2006. Now I am going to tell you about the bad things. And some other stuff. Ok, I'm falling asleep, I can't write this lousy intro anymore.

THE MIDDLEGROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's a bunch of things that I am just SO TORN OVER!!! that they get their own place in the middle of the best and worst stuff in some funky kind of LIMBOZONE. Oooh, spooky, let's take a look...IF YOU DAAAARRRE.

1. E3 and its Subsequent Destruction

I went to E3 2006!! And, just like the other E3 I went to, I wasn't terribly impressed. Then they shut all the nonsense down, so I basically went to the last one EVER. It's sort of a big deal as far as video game news is concerned, I suppose, but unless it actually has any effect on mainstream acceptance of video games (which I'm not sure it really does), I kind of don't care. I like making a Best/Worst list that contains items I actually have no major opinion about one way or the other.

2. Democrats Take Over all Them Governments

Look, I hate Dubya as much as the next north-dweller, but you have to wonder if this is, in the long run, truly a good thing. I mean, the guy does have two whole years left and by then, if things still suck, he'll be able to put some of the blame on the democrats. Honestly, though, I know so little about politics that I can't be positive of anything so this goes in the uncertain pile.

3. Arrested Development Gets Cancelled

It's too bad that this happened, but, at the same time, it had a decent run and apparently Mitch Hurwitz had no desire to continue the thing so maybe we got the best of the best out of the show. It was very good, it's gone now, I'm happy with what we got.

4. Saddam Falls Down a Hole While a Rope is Tied About His Neck

How does this affect me? I mean, honestly now. If they were gonna do it so close to New Year's anyhow, they could've gone for a little showmanship. My idea was to have Saddam in place of the big ball in Times Square, with the countdown and everything. Wouldn't that have been SO FUCKING COOL??? You bet it would've.


WORST THING(S) THERE EVER WAS/WERE!!!!!

1. Most Unfortunate Game-Related Thing of the Year: Clover Caboom!


Or not.

I don't think I had a most-hated game this year because I don't actively seek out crap to spend upwards of $40 on. So how about something naughty in the video game industry that happened? Well, how 'bout it?!?

Clover made, as I mentioned, both Okami and God Hand and then, quite literally immediately after, CAPCOM SMASH!!!! Apparently, Capcom doesn't have the money to support their best studio. Doops! Well, whatever, it's not like they fired everybody or anything, just the people who didn't matter. I think the Resident Evil guy is still around anyway. I assume all these people will still end up making cool stuff wherever they end up.

2. Worst Film of the Year: The Good Shepherd

Just like I wasn't hugely impressed by any movies this year, I wasn't terribly irritated by any either, but then I didn't make it out to see Little Man. Anyway, The Good Shepherd came out amongst a batch of movies I had no interest in seeing whatsoever. I ended up seeing this one simply because otherwise I would've been sitting around my apartment doing nothing on Friday and thirty-eight weeks of that in a row was maybe not monotonous to me, but my viewers are getting tired of it. The viewers of my imaginary reality show? The most boring reality show possible??? Tune in.

Oh, speaking of boring, how about that Good Shepherd? Two-and-a-half hours of people having boring conversations about the government. I went through two major emotions during this film: confusion and amazement that it continued to go on and on. Thanks a lot, Deniro!

It Gets Runner-Up for Being Pretty Bad But At Least they Tightened Up the Graphics a Little Bit: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

Stupid.

3. Most Overrated Film of the Year: Pan's Labyrinth

I didn't HATE this movie is the thing, but I'm really starting to hate the hype surrounding it. It's getting almost unanimously positive reviews and any time I run into someone who's seen it (WITH MY CAR) they just LOOOOVE it. WHY? It's really not very good. The fantasy elements are both sparse and poorly placed and Guillermo Del Toro is Mel Gibson-like in his apparent affinity for sadism. I absolutely do not understand why such a shoddily pieced together film is getting so much praise. Masterpiece my ass! More like piece of master shit! YEAH!!! Now that is writing. Also: Pan's LAMEbyrinth. Get it? No? Over your head? I understand.

4. Ho of the Year (negative): Britney Spears


PLORG.

Oh dear, oh my. You know, we all felt good for Britney when she got rid of the white trash dead weight and the weight on her person. Now, let me make clear that I don't really give a damn about Britney's life getting better, I just felt that this might mean a comeback and Britney's body seemed to still have some shimmying power. In other words, I was expecting more sexy videos.

Instead, Britney took a massive nosedive, coming off as even trashier than she was with a K-Fed on her arm by replacing it with a Paris Hilton (hard to say if this is an upgrade, downgrade, or just breaking even) and then flashing her pernannery (not to mention that sexy c-section scar) all over the place. It's really sad how you spend all these years wondering what all the hidden parts of a girl look like and then finally you see something like this and it's just...

Just like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

5. Worst Song of the Year: Fergie - London Bridge

I usually just ignore pop songs, but this was so obscene I had to perk up and vomit in my mouth. This series of noises coupled with Fergie yelling some sort of obscure sexual innuendo repeatedly was the epitome of crap. Seriously, she didn't even bother to make up enough lyrics to fill up the entire song. "Oh, I know! I'll just say 'London' multiple times!!!" Fergilicious, indeed. Might I also add that her face is somewhat frightening? It is.

6. Worst Person of the Year: Ross

No, not Dubya. ROSS. He used to do stuff for this website until he got a life, which we will never forgive him for. He's the reason the wonderful production, 2 Enchanted 2 Nemesis has been hidden from the eyes of the internet for TWO FUCKING YEARS. We had a rather shoddy agreement for him to make a new website for it, which he repeatedly failed to deliver on. You should hate Ross like I do, even though he will never visit this site again and will therefore never be aware of the hatred.

On the positive side, Gringo's going to help me with it now and he's not a twatbasket. So, anyway, look forward to it pretty soon, I guess...yeah.

7. The Bad Side of Racism :(

I know, I know, you are like, "Bad side?? Whaaaaaaaa????" But, no, there is one.

The unfortunate thing about all this silly bigotry is that it didn't lead to further awareness about the problem of racial hatred, but rather inspired more political correctness, which is very much the wrong way to handle these things. The Laugh Factory, where Michael Richards made his racist tirade, actually instated a policy of charging performers for saying "nigger," completely ignoring the fact that there are other racial slurs too and sites like TMZ.com began picking up on any use of the word they could find and shaking the finger.

Basically, the message coming out of all of this crap was that people shouldn't say racial slurs that could get them in trouble when the real thinking should be something more attune to, "people shouldn't say racial slurs."

8. Sony

What, are you kidding me? I'm not paying for that. Get out of my face.

9. Worst Thing to Get Shat Out of Those Internet Tubes: I Shan't Speak its Name

I hate everything about this thing and believe that mentioning it again by name only fuels the ceaseless inferno that it has built up. Let's just say it was a series of videos about a young lady who may have spent a decent amount of time in solitude.

Anyway, I would still totally have sex with her.

10. Worst Holiday of the Year: New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve sucks so bad. It's just idiots getting drunk enough to do physical damage to themselves and one another. I thought I wasn't supposed to be in college anymore and here I am in somebody's apartment playing BEER PONG. Christ. And every single person there kept saying "HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!" What the fuck does that mean? You only add the "'s" when "Eve" comes after it. Otherwise it sounds like you're wishing me happy multiple years. These are the things I get angry about, people.

To give you an idea of how much I hate the stupid day, I spent the other holidays of 2006 either with my family or by myself doing nothing. So yeah.

HEY, HAPPY NEW YEARSSSSSSS, KIDS.


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