Harry Potter and the Seventh Book
Pre-Review By: Raptor

So via some sort of technological time-travel, I'm reviewing the final installment in a magic filled book series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows a few months early.

Some people might try to point out that I can't spell or even consistently misspell Hermione's name, that I haven't even read the other books, that I have no respect for good literature, or that I am a "5tupd f44g0t". Rest assured that most if not all of these things are simply fabrications.

I assure you, the people of the world, that I am in fact literate in at least one language, and have never smoked pot.

Now onto the overly detailed spoiler filled bullshit I set out to write!

So basically they go to school for a while, until bad shit happens, which is really all anyone here probably cares about.

Harry, Hermonie and Ron are in the penultimate chapter, in a show down with Voldemort, it's Halloween (August took 23 chapters) and they are at some old battlefield which is now a graveyard. Snape shows up, soon followed by, to Harry's shock, a perfectly alive Dumbledore.

"But you're dead!" says Harry.

Ron and Hermine look at each other knowingly.

Dumbledore replies with something like, "Naw, Harry, me and Snape are homeboys." Dumbledore throws his arm up in a right angle, met by Snape's as they perform some complex hand-arm gesture.

"We just figured it would make us look weaker and lure fishfuck over there into an earlier confrontation so that we could wrap this up before the characters graduate and Hermonie goes off to the Magi Oxford branch. Do you know how much money they wanted so we could even mention them? It's crazy."

Voldemort continues waiting patiently on the other side of the scene waiting for some goddamned authoring.

Harry looks even more confused now, however Dumbledore tries to console him saying, "Harry, don't worry it will all be over soon, everything will be back to normal."

He cocks his head looking towards Ron and Hermine adding... "It is time."

For once Harry stops looking into space, turning his head to face Dumbledore inquisitively; he finds it is met with a look of pity... just as Ron and Hermonie plunge a replica Gryffindor's sword (or whatever the last "Horcrux" is, see because they tell Harry it is this sword or whatever, BUT IT IS HARRY!@~~!! or some shit) through his chest.

Looking down at the sword sticking out of his once pristine shirt, Harry seems quite confused and understandably somewhat worried.

Voldemort looks away and raises his fist to his mouth pretending to cough, "Pwned." Snape glares at Voldemort like he was some father rapist... which isn't really that funny, because at one time Voldemort was well known for raping people's fathers.

Recognizing Harry's confusion, Dumbledore once again speaks, "It had to be done, bitchface over there marked you and then used your blood, Holmes, and as long as you are alive he can't be truly killed."

"Huh," escapes Harry's mouth before he slumps to the ground to be forgotten until later when people are done fighting.

Voldemort at this point actually does something, but mostly it was changing his facial expression from angry/evil to pissed-off/evil.

Snape finally speaks up and says, "Grab your sticks!" At which point the remaining four wizards pull out their wands. He then follows up with something like the following but in a much more British and possibly Alan Rickman sort of way, "Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"

Voldemort finally moves, as to respond with the magic wand beam, only to find that the combined power of the Ghostbu four wizards' beams to be too powerful. His beam is suppressed back into his wand, as this occurs two of the beams attacking him begin to rake across him, causing massive wounds. The remaining two still focus on the wand in his hand, causing his entire body to heat up. Soon his un-lacerated skin begins to boil, and only moments later the entirety of his soft tissue begins to liquidate and slough off his skeleton.

Indiana Jones having not looked at the ark Then Snape and Dumbledore performed some magic thing that banishes Voldemort's remains from reality, his ashy fluids and skeleton would have to hang out with the elder gods for all eternity or something.

Victory was theirs! Statues would be erected! Fines would be levied!

Harry was still on the ground. Herminoemos stood on the body while Ron removed the sword. Were Harry still alive, he probably would have been concerned with the rate at which he was now bleeding, but being a corpse, he didn't really mind.

Nevelle shows up. "Oh, hey, uh, what's going on? Did I miss the big..."

Herlandmine does the talking while the others sneak off, "Uh, well you see, uh, Snape here um, and ... bye!"

The final chapter ties things up. Harry was buried with his parents, the Dursleys celebrated, Sirius Black (shhh he is also still alive) eulogized about how much Harry's eyes looked like his mother's, Hagrid got some in France, Her-mine-e pegged Ron a few more times until she broke off the relationship and went to Magi College at some place that is totally NOT Oxford simply because of naming rights, Luna Lovegood stars in Deepthroat Potion #9, and "free from grief" Ginny totally experiments.

Now she was finished with her series and has a vault filled with money.
"Oh, that was easy," says J.K. Rowling, and for an encore goes on to write early childhood books like "See Ron Cast" and gets herself killed on the next zebra crossing.


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