Ridiculous Foreigner of the Month
Mira Craig

By: Joe

America sure is full of dummies! From that ugly, talentless, immoral girl we put on TV all the time for no reason to all those states that voted for a frat boy, we certainly have no shortage of idiots. We have so many, in fact, that it's easy to overlook that idiots come from other places too! That's right! Sometimes the stink of absurdity comes wafting over from other shores and, thanks to INTERNET POWER, we are now able to catch a nice, pungent whiff of it. And this is my connecting sentence that leads into putting the article title again which is...

Ridiculous Foreigner of the Month

Now, please note that I am in no way implying that all foreigners are ridiculous. I am just saying that this particular individual is a foreigner to me and that she also happens to be ridiculous. I do not, however, mind implying that Foreigner, the band, is ridiculous.

I'd also like to make clear that the "of the Month" on the end of my title in no way guarantees monthly installments of this article. In fact, it's far more likely this will be the only time I ever do this. I just thought it was a good sounding title.

This month, we take you to the tropical(?) world of Norway, a place of, uh..um...one second, let me check Wikipedia... A place of peace! Norway is rated the most peaceful country in the world and, oh, maybe it's not really tropical. I dunno, I started getting sleepy reading. Anyway, I'm sure research would find that Norway's peaceful climate is the result of one thing and one thing only...

MIRA CRAIG!!!!

Mira Craig is a sweet, young, Norwegian thing who has what some people (or Norwegians anyway) apparently deem a music career. Although I haven't met anyone who knows who the hell she is, she's been recognized as, you know, existing by Wycleaf Jean and Snoop Dogg used one of her songs on one of his albums, so I hear. But now Miss Mira does her own thang! And I couldn't be happier for her!! Not that I'm the biggest fan of her music, but, holy crap, this woman is like a pre-packaged comedy cornucopia!

Case in point, please observe the first video I ever witnessed of the master, Mira Craig (NOTE: turn up your volume for ultimate pleasure!!!):

Mira n' Da Fugees

WAHAHAHA! Isn't that great?! Now, let's analyze just how all the factors here add up to make this the comic masterpiece that I believe it is.

Firstly, this footage is from a Fugees concert, meaning that our dear Mira was the opening act, and so we come to her first crucial error, going against one of the most important rules for supporting pop artists: NOBODY CATCHES THE OPENER. Apparently, it was too dark for Mira to see that there was nothing except floor directly in front of the stage (a mistake an American artist would never have made thanks to that drug PSA with the girl jumping into the empty pool that was on TV here), but she should've been able to guess as much considering the audience was there to see The Fugees, not "barking Norwegian girl."

Secondly, even if there had been people there willing to catch Craigy, she went about her dive in the completely wrong manner. I mean, seriously, who dives at the end of a song? You dive when everybody is PUMPED UP, preferably in the middle of a rockin' guitar solo! It is at this point that everyone's hands are already in the UP position.

On top of which, I understand that, in doing this, Mira SHATTERED her KNEES. If this is indeed true, it leads me to the question, WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE DOING STAGE DIVING KNEES-FIRST?!? This is the perfect way to ensure that people will NOT catch you. A proper stage dive is entirely dependant on the dispersal of weight, not DESCENDING WITH GREAT DOWNWARD FORCE UPON PEOPLE'S HEADS WITH SOME OF THE MOST BONY PARTS OF YOUR BODY. Granted, nobody was there to catch her anyway (I'm not sure whether it would've been worse or better, had she arranged her personage in a more appropriate fashion), but this is just a logistical flaw.

Thirdly, the actual content of the video is brilliant because of a few factors aside from the obvious "dat gurl got hurt" part of it:

A - The dancers, not knowing how else to handle the situation, maintain their poses. Funny!!!

B - Mira's audible groan followed by the wise decision to play it again, slowed down, later.

C - If you listen very closely, post-groan, you can hear a gentleman laughing. But he doesn't just laugh once or even laugh boisterously! Instead, it's an almost apathetic, yet drawn out sort of, "Hah! Ha ha...ha ha ha..." It sounds as though the place is silent, apart from this guy's laughing and he keeps it up all the same! No self-conscious man, he! Brilliant!!!

D - What better way to segue into some America's Funniest Home Videos (or AFV for the youth) style pain than with some barking? "RUH! RUH! RUH RUH RUH RUH.....RUH!!!" *KER-SLUMP!*

And this leads us perfectly into the next bit of joy that makes Mira Craig so very glorious...!

Boogeyman

Yes, indeed, this is the very song she was barking before becoming intimately acquainted with some concrete.

"Boogeyman" is Mira's first single and is indicative of a number of staples that are a part of every single this lovely girl produces:

1. Ass.
2. Titties.
3. Ass n' titties.
4. Mira standing in a body of water.
5. Slightly over four minutes in length.
6. A complete and total mastery of the English language, as well as the art of lyricism.

Now, let's break these down as well.

1, 2, and 3. - Let's be frank here, our girl Mira is, well, not gorgeous. Perhaps I've been spoiled on Barbie reincarnates like Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears (prior to the great popstar crash of the twenty-first century, obviously), but that's not to suggest that I've been totally desensitized to somewhat more basic hotness.

Mira is from the second school of pop star sexuality, sort of the pop star sexuality community college, if you will. The protocol for this kind of pop star is quite different. Rather than having one plastic-perfect pop girl for you to focus your entire attention on, Mira goes the way of the Pussycat Doll, employing a quantity over quality strategy. I don't think I could pick out any of the Pussycat Dolls (except maybe the lead one who, by the way, looks sort of cross-eyed and has a bit of a nose situation) in a crowd of strippers, but then that hardly matters, does it? Most of the videos by PDC(!!!) make a point of not going for too many close-ups of the girls' faces because that's not what they're there for and, whaddya know, it works. In fact, I'd venture to say it's even more eye-catching than just one uber-hot girl. The idea here is basically just to pile on flesh until someone takes notice.

I have to commend Mira for evolving the strategy. For one thing, I will say that whatever the hell they do to her for the majority of the video, she actually does look relatively pretty, so there's that, but she still largely keeps the focus on her shakin' and shimmyin' around with her mostly black friends. And she only just barely covers up the marketable qualities about her, that being everything below the neck. The evolution comes from the fact that these girls go for the gusto, performing moves more alike to what you see the nameless hos in rap videos doing. I respect this level of dedication to arousing losers like me. Also, nice thong shot right near the end there! Very classy.

4. - This falls in line with 1, 2, and 3. Basically, Mira is shown in water because girls + water = more sexy. Note also that these shots don't go in particularly close. Good choice!

5. - I think you get this, right? Great.

6. - Ah, the crux of the matter! This is why I truly love Mira Craig. I am so, so, so glad that she chose not to sing in her native tongue of Norwegese, and, instead, opted for God's language, English. Otherwise, I wouldn't receive anywhere near the amount of joy I do from her lyrical genius. It's not as though she's getting anything particularly wrong, it's just that what she's saying is utterly absurd.

First off, we've got Mira making reference to her, herself, and her voodoo crew. Is it me or is there nothing threatening whatsoever about a voodoo crew? Unless Screwface is in it, I suggest you align yourself with a different gang.


Mira Craig

She also follows up this statment by claiming, "you just don't know." What don't I know, Mira? Hmmmmm??? I'm led to believe Mira doesn't know either, which is why she left this statement so vague.

She mentions at one point that if you are "one of dem players talkin' to [her] just so you can bang bang," then something will happen (what, I just don't know). So you can bang bang? Who says this? MIRA CRAIG, THAT'S WHO. She also says, "If you one of dem pranksters flyin' around..." I was not aware that pranksters possessed the power of flight! I am off to buy a whoopie cushion and some fake poop!

Now, of course, we have the most obviously best part: the chorus. For those of you who couldn't quite catch it, here's a transcription:

WE'LL GET YOUR MAMMY!!!!
WE'LL GET YOUR DADDY!!!
And we'll get YOU! YOU!! YOUR GRANDMA TOO!!! AND YOUR DOOOOOOG!!
RUH! RUH! RUH RUH RUH RUH!!!!!

Astounding. This is so incredibly wonderful I have to wonder if she wasn't at least somewhat trying to go for a laugh here. She sort of sounds like Shakira if she barked. Honestly, I don't see how to make this any funnier. OH WAIT, HOW ABOUT IF SHE SANG IT AND THEN SHATTERED HER KNEES STAGE-DIVING??? GOD BLESS YOU, MIRA!!!!

The only sad part about "Boogeyman" is that it was Mira's first single and is still probably her funniest, not to mention most catchy. Still, there are things to note about her other videos and we've both got time, right? Here you are then. REWIIIIINNNND!!!

Headhunted

The second single breaks the trend a bit by not including a cavalcade of black chicks to dance around with Mira (it is just over four minutes long though). I think she used too much money getting the ones for the last video. Still, we keep the T&A going with just good ol' Mira writhing around in various locales (further establishing the Shakira similarities by crawling around on a mountaintop or something). You also think "Oh, maybe there won't be any standing in water in this video" and then BAM! WATER IN YO FACE!!! Also, hey, she should keep those glasses on. That's working.

The lyrics on this one are arguably worse than "Boogeyman." While "Boogeyman's" ridiculousness is almost entirely centered around that stunning chorus, "Headhunted" just sounds like a little kid playing "work." Like a little girl would set up a cardboard box for a desk, put one of their dad's neckties over her head, and would point to their friends, shouting things like, "You have the right qualifications!! Would you please come work for me?! Do you want this job!!!? I've been firing! And, now, I'm hiring!!!" I don't even have any explanation for "'cause baby ya boo boo." I'm sure it made sense to Mira at some point.

I actually enjoy the crazyfast outro on this song.

DON'T YOU QUIT ON ME!!!!!

Who Make Yuh

"Who Make Yuh" is a grammatical nightmare that honors those of us who are so lucky as to have biological parents. That's a big fuck you to test tube babies, courtesy of Mira Craig!!!

The video (4:22!) starts out with some bizarre thing where Mira comes out of her house and drinks some delivery Fanta or something. Hell if I know. This one gives us Mira in the water RIGHT OFF THE BAT and she stays in there pretty much the whole time. And, oh!, she has some friends (one's a dude no less). This is probably Mira's hottest production, simply because that evolving I mentioned earlier is very prevalent here. Mira helps us out by not only gyrating around with her girlfriends, but, also, grinds up ON them! Once again, going above and beyond. I salute you, Mira! Although, that weirdass eye makeup she has in some of those shots is downright frightening.

The lyrics in this one are mildly unridiculous (although "all I really wanna see is you surrounding me" sort of implies Mira is a chubby chaser). Overall, they're more just weird. For one, there's a mention of Ash Wednesday in there, but, besides that, there's the chorus in which she states she hopes she gets to meet whoever made you some day.

In a way, this is very endearing and sweet. Evidently, she likes you so much that she wants to meet your parents. The strange thing is that a lot of what she appreciates about you seems to be physical (good manners are not explicitly referenced)...so it's unclear exactly why it is she wants to meet your parents so badly. On top of which, she requests that you "make more some day." I'm not sure if this is directed toward your parents or you, but, either way Mira craig seems to be interested in banging multiple generations of the same family.

Leo

The newest single, "Leo," like a lot of overproduced American rap videos, has an unecessarily long opening with some credits on it (and cheesy leopard noises), thus artificially bringing us to the 4:25 point. Hmmph, Mira!! Where's the integrity?!

Speaking of integrity, we get Mira crawling around, like some kind of animal I can't quite place the name of, along with a bunch of her female friends. I think the best bit of sexuality in this one is when the girls start fighting over raw stakes using their mouths almost exclusively. Subtle!!! The 1920s have returned. And, oh? Is Mira in some water? YOU DAMN RIGHT SHE IS. And her friends have joined her yet again. Huzzah, huzzah!

These lyrics are probably the second best in awesomeness after "Boogeyman." Basically, Mira is singing about how she's a Leo (this is true, I have fact-checked) and what exactly it is this means for you, the viewer.

Dangerous! Pussycat! Etc.!!!! Ah, I love it. This also has one of my absolute favorite Mira lines, "I love me some food to say the least." This sounds like a chubby kid's anthem! Mira backs up this statment by running around with her friends and stealing people's food at various times throughout the video. This song is the most schizophrenic as well. There are some really bizarre change-ups and Mira's lyrical focus seems to change entirely.

Hot like the block, yo, I hustle, I hustle!

Huh? What are you doing exactly?

I ain't got no CAT I GOT a lion, lion!

Why are you yelling at me?!?

Caliente when other chicas frio, frio, I'm a leo, leo.

I actually genuinely think this is the best lyric Mira's ever written and, possibly, ever will write. Because I get it, it makes sense, and it rhymes. See, Mira? When you delve into languages outside of English you don't sound like a complete 'tard!

The ending of this song degenerates into some nonsense comparing leos to runway ("dumb way?") models. I guess the connection being made here has something to do with "leos" meaning "leopards" and "leopards" being a type of "cat" and models walking on "catwalks," but I think Mira should state her points more clearly and form them into a convincing argument.

I'M A BEAST!!!!!

So, there you have it! Mira Craig is my Ridiculous Foreigner of the Month. She gets hurt stage diving, shakes her ass, and writes lyrics that are beyond asinine. And, let me tell you, I love her for it. I'm not even kidding here. Whether she means for it to or not, her very existence cracks me up. Seriously, if somebody did a parody of Mira Craig, it would be redundant.

Also, I gotta say, that quality over quantity thing is working (gross), Mira, so kudos to you for bustin' out in all da right wayz!! Perhaps the most amazing thing about this girl's music career is that it actually is, weirdly, somehow more listenable than most of the garbage that hits our airwaves. I'm not buying a Mira Craig album (I will wait for a Greatest Hits) or anything, but her nutty song transitions and voice fluctuation are somewhat catchy. So, hey, keep at it, Mira. You make me laugh and Norway dance.

If you would like to see some charming footage of Mira using random objects to make her "homemade music" watch this video right here. Oh! I thought that was a pair of pliers featured in the song "Fatty Girl, Fat-Fa-Fatty Girl." How quaint!


RUH! RUH! RUH RUH RUH RUH!!!!



RUH!!!!!!!!


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