I Hate Mountain Dew
By: Lauren

Yo! What's up in dis piece? I was going to write a review about the movie Pathfinder and how it is basically The Last Samurai and they should have called it The Last Native American because a white guy saves all the Indians, but I got this dumbass e-mail from my school and I decided to write about that instead. Before I go any further you should just read it:

To the Wyoming students:

This fall RepNation is looking to recruit two leaders to spread the word about Mountain Dew on your campus. The mission: Create non-stop buzz and excitement around Mountain Dew.

As part of the Dew Crew, you will lead the charge in Mountain Dew's latest ground breaking promotional campaign. From sampling to events to creating buzz online, you will be the face and voice behind this supercharged brand. Crew members will be expected to operate as an independent team, communicate with the program manager and fellow members through a web-based community portal, as well as working with fellow Crew members on larger initiatives.

What does it take to join the Dew Crew? You must be a creative individual that is comfortable distributing promotional materials, generating PR, on and offline networking, and event management. You must also be able to dedicate a minimum of ten hours a week to the program. In return you will receive the hottest Mountain Dew gear, great pay, performance based incentives, and an amazing experience working on an innovative campaign.

As a socially connected leader at the University of Wyoming we would like to personally invite you to apply for the position. Check it out at www.repnation.com/dewcrew.

Regards,
Kara Smith
Summer Associate, Brand Engagement

WOW! I can't believe they want me to be on THE DEW CREW. I even get a secret mission to "create non-stop buzz and excitement about Mountain Dew."

Fuck that. I hate Mountain Dew. I hate everything about it. It tastes like piss and makes you feel like shit. I espeically hate how they try to make it XTREME. What makes the Dew more extreme than boring-ass Pepsi? Well, Mountain Dew is yellow and.....ummm... nothing. Drinking PCP is way more extreme but you dont see a snowboarder slamming PCP and grindin' rails. In fact, if it is so extreme than why is it the preferred beverage of Halo nerds and Dungeon Masters? Fatshit dorks drink the Dew, not althetes.

I replied to this e-mail to see what they would say:

Dear Karen Smith,

I would like to join the Dew Crew but I dont think I have what it takes. I haven't backflipped any motorcycles or lit myself on fire or anything like that lately. Plus, if I create non-stop buzz when will I find time to sleep? Because non-stop is totally extreme and sleeping is for Pepsi swilling pussies. Will I become extreme enough to join the Dew Crew if I stop drinking everything except Mountain Dew? Water is for 4-year old girls that can't surf sharks over molten lava.

Extremely Yours,
Lauren

There hasn't been any reply yet. I guess I'm not cool enough to hand out flyers about a carbonated drink. Fuck Extreme Marketing.


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