The Year 2012
By: Jeff

If you've ever studied up on Mayan history, apocalyptic theories or just listened to Coast-to-Coast AM, then you're probably familiar with the year 2012 and how super mysterious and stuff it is. The Mayan calendar, which was created a long ass time ago, has an ending and archeologists have come to the conclusion that the last day on it is Dec. 21, 2012.

Why it ends so abruptly no one knows but that hasn't stopped crackpots and other people from deciding that it ends on that day because a major event will take place. What that event is, however, isn't really clear so you get answers ranging from spiritual awakenings to the Earth colliding with the sun. Naturally, I've decided to look into this and, using a combination of intuition and the old NES game Taboo: The Sixth Sense, I've come up with twelve highly possible predictions.

- Jesus Christ returns to the Earth to kick-start the rapture but reappears outside the house of high school senior Josh Fisher who is throwing a party while his parents are out of town. While there, he becomes exceedingly drunk and throws up in the car belonging to the football team's star quarterback, Rick "The Brick" Slozynski. Fueled by a volatile mixture of testosterone, steroids, alcohol and the knowledge that his girlfriend has been sleeping with his best friend, Slozynski beats Jesus to a bloody pulp before tossing the savior of man into a nearby creek. Upon returning to Heaven, Jesus is quickly grounded by his father for 2000 years, which he will spend learning to "Keep his eye on the prize".

- In an attempt to drum up interest in the space program, NASA will hire John Madden as its spokesman as they introduce their newest slogan, "Space is the Place." Coincidentally, the national suicide rate will rise shortly after and the phrase, "It's just not worth it anymore" will become a common phrase used on their notes.

- A voting mix-up will take place leading to the world's strongest man being elected President of the United States. Fear of being ripped apart like a phone book will prevent anyone from challenging the outcome and the new president's first act in office will be to pull Air Force One across a mall using his teeth. He will be reelected in a landslide victory four years later.

- Insect-like creatures from beneath the Earth will launch an assault on all of humanity. The poor people who are captured will be turned into "Human Meat Mechs" and forced to battle one another in gladiatorial combat for the amusement of these terrible beings. The matches will be broadcast on pay-per-view for the reasonable price of $19.95 and quickly become the planet's most beloved sport.

- Chicago Cubs fans eagerly await the team's upcoming World Series win in 2015.

- The films of director Uwe Boll are praised as true masterworks of cinema as massive fissures spewing Methane gas appear all around the planet. No connection between the two is ever made but wasn't House of the Dead just the greatest movie ever?

- Santa Claus is real and announces that he's ending Christmas because little Johnny Simmons of 159 N. Brodric St. in Spittlestank, Idaho doesn't believe anymore.

- The planet blows up in a dazzling show of color and sound. However, it is quickly revealed that the Earth was nothing more than a snow globe belonging to a mentally challenged kid who lives inside an even bigger snow globe.

- Aliens arrive on the planet and offer to share the gift of eternal life to a select few. These recipients are soon shocked when they notice that their brains have been removed and placed into glass tanks atop 3' tall robotic bodies. To compensate for this, the rest of the population agrees to build all shelves at 4' and up.

- Despite the best efforts of law enforcement on both a state and federal level, Hulkamania continues to run wild. Citizens are urged to stay inside and avoid unnecessary travel. The crisis is soon be escalated when a case of "Macho Madness" sweeps the nation killing thousands.

- The release of Michael Bay's Transformers movie on Super HDVD includes a deleted scene thought lost forever. The scene involves Autobot leader, Optimus Prime, punching Decepticon leader, Megatron, as the camera pans to an African-American man who yells, "IT'S PRIME TIME!" and proceeds to dance out of the shot. World peace is established soon after.

- Old fashioned pirates return to once again rule the high seas and swash many buckles. However, because the image of the common pirate has become accepted and loved over the years, these new buccaneers will disguise themselves to throw off authorities and unwanted groupies.

The likelihood of any of these coming true is about a million to one but if nothing at all happens, then the same people pushing 2012 will simply go on to the next date on their lists and hype that up. Until then, beware of tricksters and salesmen out to make a profit off the fear they instill to the far reaches of one's mind. This has been a word of warning from the Twilight Zone.

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