Walker Profiling
A Compendium Detailing the Various Types of Pedestrians One Might Encounter Whilst Traversing the Streets and Sidewalks of New York City
By: Joe

Part 1 of 3

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PLEASE NOTE!!!: This article in no way relates to the production, Walker: Texas Ranger, the USA Network, or any affiliations thereof. It is not impossible to draw comparisons anyway, but it'd be pretty dumb.

It is my firm belief, as a person with a lot of free time and a tendency to smoke pot more often than is really necessary, that one of society's biggest problems is most people's refusal to acknowledge that they are a part of it. New York City is a busy place filled with the hustle and bustle of a lot of self-important douchetwits who think the places they're going and the things they're doing are more important than the places and things that everybody else is g/doing. This serves to make it a perfect illustration of my initial claim. More importantly, I happen to commute to and work in NYC every day.

As one of the aforementioned douchetwits, I think the average person on foot in the Big Apple has some awareness that a certain degree of speed is expected of their fellow foot jockeys. Not only that, but there's a general understanding of just how to walk in a place where there are a gaggle of people around at any given time and they're all in a rush to get wherever the hell it is they're so jonesed to be getting to. There are simple, unspoken rules of walking ettiquette for the average sidewalk pounder (I believe I've already exhausted every single stupid synonym I can think of for "pedestrian") and when people stray from these guidelines, it can ruin your whole day! Or, to use the more common venacular, it's a real shit in your omlette.

So! What do I propose to do about those who do not keep in step? Why, make up some whiny, smarmy list about them and put it on a nearly unknown internet website, of course!!! Huzzah, huzzah! Come along with me on my quest of finger-pointing and asinine lambastery (or lambastation if you prefer (or Playstation if you prefer (or Wii if you prefer)))! The world will soon be a better place. And by "better place" I mean "this is going to be wholly pointless."

Now, what if you say, "But, Joe! I've never even been to New York! How can this amazing, stunning, and aesthetically pleasing article serve someone like me?" Well, I'm glad you axed! This article is hardly NYCentric! Unless you live somewhere that REALLY blows, like Idaho or Kansas or most of southern Jersey or really any place that isn't a city, there's a very good chance you'll encounter people such as the ones I plan to detail here in your very own hometown! WOW!!! So when you come across these types, you can chuckle quietly to yourself and enjoy the quick surge of pleasure that comes along with having a false sense of superiority because a person fit into a walking stereotype detailed in a piece you read on a website owned by someone who still gets paid hourly. Everybody wins!!! Except me, clearly.

I would like to make it clear that I'm sure that these categories frequently intersect and criss-cross and throw momma from the train, but to detail every instance that my categories seep into one another would be such an exercise in frivolous boredom it would threaten to topple An Inconvient Truth from its throne! I shan't do it. You do it.

I would also like to say that I'm fully aware that not everybody I've encountered who has exhibited behavior akin to what I detail in these profiles is actually deserving of the categorization. Maybe you were looking for an address at the time. Maybe you just lost your glasses. Most likely you were tripping balls! Regardless, I'm aware that we all have problems and I forgive you for coming off like an annoying pedestritard. But, as far as I know, you're still an ass and you don't know how to walk like a normal person and you're going on the list.

Also, please do feel free to e-mail me and give me input on this list. I'm sure there are walkers I've not thought of that probably do deserve their own category. Or you could think up some of the nicknames for these because most of mine quite suck. Or maybe you think I got something else wrong. Anyway, you tell me.

So...

LET'S BEGIN!!!!!

THIS SHIT!!!!!!!

THE ROMANTIC


Unnecessarily Trendy Nickname:
Romeo
No. of Offenders:
1-2

The type on which the majority of these categories are based. In effect, nearly every perpetrator on here is, at the initial level, a romantic.

The romantic has the two major qualities that make getting stuck walking behind someone so annoying. They are, one, slow, and two, totally oblivious to everything and everyone around them. It's not always exactly clear why the romantic is so unaware of his or her surroundings. It can be any number of factors. Sometimes they're on a cell phone or trying to read a book mid-saunter, but they can just as often appear to be completely unoccupied and yet, still, there they go! Heads held aloft, their glazed eyes scanning the sky for...what? Who knows!? Dreams, perhaps.

Ah, to be blissfully unaware of the throng of appendages that surround you! The walk of the romantic is perhaps to be envied, for they are so unpolluted by the hectic nature of our society that they have time to stop and smell the homeless. And, judging by the lethargic pace at which the romantic does his or her thang, it's evident they also have nowhere they're required to be, much to the chagrin of us busy people. "Get out of my way!" I find myself wishing I had the beans to shout. "I have browsing to do!!"

Bottom line: The romantic is an inconsiderate, self-centered, slow dick.

THE THREE+ AMIGOS


Slightly Different Yet No Less Cheesy Nickname:
The Three+ Ami-blows
No. of Offenders:
3+

This type is essentially exactly the same as the romantic, the difference here being, quite simply, that there are more of them. The problem with groups of three or more is that the very nature of them makes it extraordinarily difficult for everybody to stick together and maintain a brisk pace. Two people can manage to walk quickly together, no problem. I've seen it (on one of my many excursions alone...)!!! Any more, however, is pushing it a bit. When the group can't even navigate in a straightforward fashion, one of them sporadically having to sidestep planters, dead hookers, et al, you know the societal balance has been compromised.

They also differ from romantics in that they aren't usually just spacing out. Make no mistake, they are still entirely unaware of the world around them, it's just clear that what they're focused on is having fun with their friends. The amigos (or sometimes businessmen out for a businesslunch) will glide leisurely down the sidewalk, chatting away and laughing with their compatriots, side by side, taking up three-fourths of the block, creating a wall composed of ten-percent brain mass, fifteen-percent camera phone, and seventy-five-percent hair gel and/or makeup (figures taken from area immediately surrounding Penn Station).

Bottom line: They have a lot of friends and I don't and it's not fair.

THE MIDDLE OF THE ROADER


Half-Decent Nickname, I think:
MOTR
No. of Offenders:
1-2

This particular type is insistent on being in the center of everything...or in this case, the sidewalk! GUFFAW!!! The Middle of the Roader is the person who surveys the expanse of sidewalk and, whether on a subconscious level or otherwise, evidently makes the decision that the right side is not good enough and, no, the left side will simply just not do either because, for them, the only way to be is RIGHT IN THE HEART OF IT ALL, BABY!!!

Galloping directly down the middle of the sidewalk, the irritating effects of the MOTR's need to be centered at all times make themselves most evident on the more narrow of walkways. In many cases, the placement of the MOTR tends to leave a perfectly annoying amount of space on either side of the culprit: there's just enough room remaining that one is inclined to attempt to sidle around, but, upon attempting to do so, will discover he or she has been deceived by this crafty artisan of the pavement!!! For, you see, while there is room indeed, it's only JUST enough, thus requiring some awkward maneuvering, and, perhaps, even an utterance of "excuse me" in order to navigate this sticky situation correctly! Other factors come into play as well, such as opposing pedestrian traffic popping up at the very moment you happen to dare to push ahead of the inattentive fuckgobbler!

This is probably the only nickname I thought up that I think is actually pretty decent. See? Because it's MOTR, you just pronounce it "motor" and, therefore, it's an ironic sort of thing! Because they are being the exact opposite!!! Yes yes such a funny!!! Plus you could use the term with your friends while in the presence of a MOTR and they would not even realize it, you catty dick.

I put that this category only pertains to one or two people at a time because any more people and the group is pretty much taking up the entire sidewalk whether they strive to or not.

Bottom line: A romantic that believes him/herself to be the center of attention, upping the bothersomeness level just that much more.

THE EUROPEAN


Alternative Name:
The Anarchist
No. of Offenders:
1-2

The European in no way refers to actual Europeans. No, instead it's those people that make it their business to deliberately go against the grain by choosing to walk on the left side of the sidewalk.

Pedestrian traffic is not unlike vehicular traffic; the general rule (dividing lines or no) is that you stay on the right side. Eschewing any pretense of maintaining some level of civility, this type tends to dominate the absolute opposite side, mucking up the normal order of things, supporting gay marriage and aborting babies all willy-nilly like it ain't nothin'! Darn kids!!!

Bottom line: He who goes against the order goes against that which is for the good of us all.

THE BARRELLER


Nickname for the kids:
DK
No. of Offenders:
1

The Barreller is a right sonofabitch who takes a proactive role in demonstrating just how exceptionally pertinent he is by actually pushing his way past people. The barreller does not use his hands to push, schoolyard-style, but, rather, simply nudges or shoves bodies aside with his shoulders and upper arms. It is sort of like he is playing human bowling. The shove of a barreller is usually enough to move its target a few feet, as well as sufficiently irritate them, but it's not so violent the perp has to worry about lawsuits breaking out in the crowd.

One is usually alerted to the presence of a barreller when they are first shoved aside, as a barreller does generally have the courtesy to sidestep those who are able to witness his approach. Rare though they are, a barreller-European combo would be downright deadly! DEADLY!!!!! And I don't think I've ever seen a female barreller. I have seen some fast broads, but I don't feel there is a need to make a "Fast Broads" category.

In a way, the barreller's behavior is to be respected. They simply, without remorse and without any concern for their fellow pedestrians' feelings, bypass nearly all of the other problematic beings I've outlined here and CUT RIGHT THROUGH DA PROBLEM! When you hear a story about such a situation, it almost sounds heroic! Like when my friend saw a gent SCATTER a GAGGLE OF BUSINESSMEN, letting forth the battle cry, "Come on, guys let's move it." You think, "Yes! That is the way to handle a crowd of a businessmen." Then one day you are rudely forced aside by some bullheaded, self-important prick and you think, "Oh, thanks. That was annoying."

Bottom line: Douchebag + cojones = giggles, provided you're not on the receiving end of his fury.

CLICK HERE FOR PART 2!!!!!


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