Gringo's Seventh Oscar Prediction Funfest
Written By: Gringo

In your face, America! The last six of these Oscar prediction articles all had fairly long introductions. I accidentally deleted the original start to this one, so let’s just jump right in, shall we? Of course, the writers’ strike may still be going on to the point where the 80th Annual Academy Awards could be cancelled or postponed...BUT HUSH UP, WOLF BLITZER! This is no time for your news!

For this year's hate-filled Oscar prediction piece, I decided to tap the same category as in my first ever article on these expensive ego trip awards: the award for Best Makeup. What'd you know? I picked the winner of that category, but have had a hit-and-miss record in all my other Oscar Funfest articles. Oh? You don't care? Smashing!

The Academy Award for Best Makeup
La Vie En Rose
Norbit
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Seriously, Academy? First of all you nominate the smug anger-inducing Juno for a buttload of awards, and then you go ahead and say that putting Eddie Murphy in a fat suit is one of the three best achievements in ANY FILM EVER that came out in the last year? Way to get credible, chumps. On with the odds!

La Vie En Rose

Here's a film I really quite liked. It tells the story of French singing lady Edith Piaf and despite following the traditions of every single music biopic out there -- pretty linear path of troubled childhood, to stardom, to death at the hands of white supremacists (not really) -- it's a very entertaining, well written and well acted couple of hours.

But I don't really get the whole idea of this being up for Best Makeup. The only real makeup in question here is fake aging of French actress Marion Cotillard in the role of Ms. Piaf. But even that makeup is mostly just latex slapped on to her face to make it look haggard and dye in the hair to gray it for Edith's twilight years. Is that really suitable for an Academy Award for the best ever makeup in the world...volume two? I don't think so.

After all, the makeup on this film is almost something you could do at home. Example! One Halloween recently I couldn't think of a costume. Instead, I decided to go as Angry Old Gringo, which simply meant dressing in pajamas, a robe and slippers and graying my hair. This was achieved pretty easily by dumping pretty much a whole bottle of talcum powder on my hair to give it a nice old hue.

Alas, when I went to nightclubs later on, nobody complimented me on my costume. Instead, the only remarks I heard were about how natural my grayed hair look. Thanks a bunch, clowns! On the plus side, I stole a gallon of apple martini from some house party, so it all evens out.

Uh...this movie won't win the Best Makeup award. ZUT ALORS!

Chance of winning: 10%

Norbit

All right, perhaps the Academy is nominating this movie on a twofer. Maybe the nominators really liked not only the fat suit Eddie Murphy but also the old Asian Eddie Murphy. At least, I assume they must think the makeup guys and girls did a really good job -- I haven't actually seen Norbit nor (ho ho! Good word choice!) do I ever intend to. From the trailer alone, the Asian Eddie Murphy costume just looks like an excuse for him to dress up and shout "ME RIKEY VELLY MUCH!" over and over again, but then I could be wrong.

What probably happened is that the Oscar nominators were far too lazy to think about movies that might have had good makeup teams and instead just lazily plucked two mainstream productions, and then threw La Vie En Rose into the mix just to look like they actually watch things that could be called "films" rather than "movies".

However, I am kind of amused by the idea of the movie studios touting this piece of junk as an "Oscar winning comedy," so a sick part of me hopes Norbit gets the nod on the night. Have 25 percent from me, fake fatty!

Chance of winning: 25%

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

If you don't like reading then I'll tell you straight-up: I think this movie will win the Best Makeup award. After all, it's the biggest in scale and budget of the three contenders and features the widest range of makeup -- from Davey Jones with his penis-tentacle beard to all those ugly cretins aboard the Flying Dutchman.

Which makes this category something of a shame because I'd really like to see La Vie En Rose take at least one award home on the night, simply so it doesn't have to share the title with Norbit of "Oscar nominated." However, I sincerely doubt that Cotillard will win Best Actress (the one big award that film is up for) because she is up against a bunch of Yankee women, and we all know how xenophobic Uncle Oscar is.

Despite the fact that 3/4 of this movie makes no sense and that it's nothing but pirate fable --> fight scene --> double-crossing --> pirate fable --> fight scene --> double-crossing --> repeat, this category never addresses the worthiness of a movie, only its makeup. Hence, a win for the pirates.

Chance of winning: 65%

But Gringo! The excitement! Who will win?!

Every year I type that question above and every year I make some deeply unfunny joke about answering it, and how cocky and impatient you are for asking me (even though you probably don't even read this far). This year I'll skip tradition and just reiterate that I think that there movie with pirates and explosions will take the prize.

Academy, just do me one favor. Please don't let Juno win many of the awards it's up for. I can only pray for the future of mankind if the egos of director Jason Reitman, lead actress Ellen Page and fake name cuntsmug bitch screenwriter Diablo Cody all take home awards on the night. What will be my reaction if Juno does indeed score a high number of wins? To quote that movie, "What the blog?!"


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