Now That's News!
Goats!

Written By: Joe

Click here if'n you wanna read the original article.

Woah! What's goin' on in da newz, guyz?! Shit! Did somebody say school shootings?? No, neither did I! But you know what I do say?

GOATS!!!, bitch!

Once in awhile I remember I have a hotmail account and when I log out of it, I get a page of top stories care of MSN and Slate. I could not avoid clicking on this one because they even gave it its own picture of a goat's head to entice me. Mmm, goat's head!! I actually can't even remember what the teaser blurb was, but they've already whisked it away from the front page, obviously because it was causing readers to suffer fits of violent heart fluttering.

Basically, this article is about some guy on a farm who owns animals. He just talks about how all the animals treat him like he's people. "The horses like me! The children don't!" Anyway, the goats treat him like shit on their hooves and don't respect him as a human being and laugh at him all the time. He also says that, unlike the other animals, they don't even do anything. Like, they don't even do anything. They're just there for kicks. And then he says "I LOVE MY GOATS! OH I LOoOoOoOoOOOoVE MY GOATS!!!" like two-thousand times, which is odd because all they do is sleep with his wife and eat.

I think there are four things of vast importance in this article.

#1!!!

This piece of writing is my favorite...OF ALL TIME?!?:

#2!!!!

This article is TWO PAGES LONG. WHY is this article TWO PAGES LONG???

To quote a man I know on the internet:

#3!!!!!

Look at that picture of the goat. Go on, just look at it:

Look at that! Always jeering and nagging! Ya fuckin' goat! Am I the only one who thinks that, with this picture and this caption, Slate wins, hands down, the coveted "Most Surreal Image Used in a News Article On February Twentieth Two-Thousand-and-Eight Between the Hours of Twelve and Four AM" Award? Well, they do, and being the deciding vote on the panel, as I'm the only member on the panel...first prize.

#4?

Hey, you know what's right under that picture?

GOOD LORD, THESE GOATS SHALL MURDER US ALL!!!



1. Internet, A Man I Know On The, AOL Instant Messenger (Internet: AOL-Time Warner, 2008).


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