Gringo's Ninth Oscar Prediction Funfest
Written By: Gringo

There's a palpable sense of relief that 2009 is over for many reasons, not least because we're now one year closer to the glorious reign of President Sarah Palin (ahem).

Among the many reasons I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief is that the last year of the so-called noughties – really, anyone who refers to 2000 to 2009 this way needs a slap – is that a generally dire year for movies is now mercifully over. Sure, there were a few films that excelled and were worth the $10 cinema ticket (or $11.50 after tax, you swindlers!). But overall it was, to paraphrase Lisa Simpson from the episode years ago, a “meh” year.

Nevertheless the coterie that decides Academy Award nominations has somehow found a number of films that it thinks are worth rewarding at the movie industry's single biggest act of self-masturbation, the Oscars.

The Academy Award for Best Makeup
Il Divo
Star Trek
The Young Victoria

A clandestine group representing members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences votes for the nominees. This group apparently includes former Oscar winners. Does Tom Hanks get more than one vote? Listen To Me is a union website, chumps! One member, one vote! I demand wildcat strikes!

Somehow this group of actors, writers, directors, producers and others has found time to choose candidates for the Academy Award for Best Makeup. Not sure how they managed to fit that in during bouts of trips to rehab, working oh-so-hard, or late-night strategy sessions with their publicists to decide the next step in their “I'm not a homo” marketing campaign. On that last point, do Hollywood movers and shakers really still believe the public won't accept a gay actor playing a straight role? I mean, I can watch [title redacted] even though I know that [actor redacted] is as queer as a British democracy, and it doesn't affect my viewing experience. Stop the charades, people! Especially that dreamy Taylor Lautner from those terribly bad Twilight movies. The minute he turns legal, I've got dibs.

Anyway, on to my take on which movies nominated for the Best Makeup Oscar actually have a chance of winning the damn thing. Let's go!

Il Divo

So I picked this category because it only had three nominees, which exponentially cuts down on my writing time. The downside of even this limited category is that I haven't seen all but one of the nominees. Terrible research effort, I know.

Apparently this movie is a fictionalized black comedy about “Giulio Andreotti, Italy's prime minister from 1972 to 1992” and I guess the makeup must be somewhat decent.

However, there are important facts to consider. Namely 1) political comedies are rarely funny unless they involve Jack Lemmon and James Garner playing ex-presidents on a road trip...with hilarious consequences, b) the only person that saw this movie is that fat nerd friend of yours who tries to show off by packing his Netflix queue with obscure productions, only to bore you to death when he recaps the film for you, except even worse than watching the damn thing it effectively comes with an obnoxious commentary and iii) the title of this movie reminds me of that Italian operatic foursome, which manages to be everything I thought was impossible – a foursome that's devoid of any joy.

Chance of winning: 1%

Star Trek

Special effects, mass-market appeal, made a lot of money, lazy Oscar voters. Job done.

Chance of winning: 98%

The Young Victoria

Hey, Mr. Oscar, please provide a synopsis of this film via your website.

“As the next in line to the British throne, Princess Victoria finds herself in danger of becoming the pawn of ambitious and powerful men with agendas of their own. But Victoria, a young woman of spirit who is determined to have a say in her own future, rises to the challenges of her position as she conducts a passionate courtship with Germany's Prince Albert.”

Oh, piss off.

Chance of winning: 1%

But Gringo! The excitement! Who will win?!

Rather than give my usual sarcastic answer of “look above and you'll see who I think is going to win,” I will be a generous and sweet fellow and say that I think the Academy Award for Best Makeup will go to Star Trek. And there you have it.

That's it for another year. Have you got exciting plans for watching the Oscars? I hope you do. I'd hate to think it's another night of staying up until your parents go to bed and then downloading soft-core pornographic images to boost the imagination while abusing yourself a little later on. Wait. That's my night. Get your own idea!


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