Gringo's Tenth Oscar Prediction Funfest
Written By: Gringo

Whoops!

I almost forgot to write my annual Oscar prediction piece this year. But I'm sure all three of you readers are breathing a triple sigh of relief at seeing this article appear just hours before the 83rd Academy Awards. Oh, and given the lack of updates for this site, it's probably safe to assume that the we-have-three-readers joke has transitioned from tired jest to reality.

I haven't seen many of the Oscar-nominated movies, not even The King's Speech, which people in America obnoxiously think I should certainly have watched because I'm British and it's about a former King of England. Right. Like you Americans must obviously have watched every single movie ever made about Yankees. Of course!

Given my minimal knowledge of the films on offer this year, I'm going with the Oscar category that has the least number of nominees.

The Academy Award for Best Makeup
Barney's Version
The Way Back
The Wolfman

In my ninth Oscar prediction article I also picked the Best Makeup category for the same reason -- three nominees significantly cuts down the length of this piece.

Given that my interest in the Academy Awards has only dwindled in the 10 years (ugh!) that I've been writing these articles, I'm hoping that next year they give out an Oscar for Best Muppet Movie, so that the nominees can be limited to that Muppet movie the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall is writing.

Barney's Version

Looks like hipster tosh to me. Here's the plot, taken from the official Oscars website: “Barney Panofsky, an outspoken, thrice-married television producer, decides to present his version of the events that led to the death of his long-time friend, Boogie.”

All right. First, nobody in the word is called Boogie. That's too ridiculously good a name for someone to have.

Second, the movie stars Paul Giamatti, and whenever I see his name I think of Williamsburg hipsters. I can easily imagine this being watched by some cunt in a green army hat or alternatively or ugly brown clown dress from the 1920s that she picked out from the vintage store because it's “kooky” even though it just makes her appear insufferable. The other audience is probably bespectabled hipster males who are so uptight they need to take a 24-hour shit.

This movie garners too much hatred.

Chance of winning: 0%

The Way Back

“A group of prisoners in a Soviet gulag plot an escape from the miserable life that few of them seem likely to survive,” so says the Oscars website.

Sorry, movie, if you wanted to get a gold statue for a miserable two hours of a historical film all about persecution and depression and blah blah blah you should have put your money on something like the Best Script or Best Pandering categories.

Chance of winning: 10%

The Wolfman

I've seen the original black-and-white Wolfman and quite enjoyed it.

I haven't seen the new Wolfman and have no real desire to ever see it. But the makeup is by Rick Baker who I believe is somewhat famous for makeuppery. And I think the effort that goes into makeup transforming someone from a human being into a wolf probably deserves a tad more recognition than “Ooh! We aged someone with makeup!” from the other two nominees.

Chance of winning: 90%

But Gringo! The excitement! Who will win?!

Add up the numbers and you'll see that I predict The Wolfman will win the Best Makeup award. Just don't blame me if you bet on that and lose all your money when the award goes to one of the other movies, simply because by the time the award-pickers get to the Best Makeup category on their nomination sheets I'm sure they've just ticking any old box.

If you're going to watch the Oscars tonight, have a blast. I'm probably going to watch some pornography and then eat some microwaveable soup. Celebrity lifestyle!


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