Hate Mail #1
Written By: Joe

Hello, internet miracle machine! This is Joseph! How are you this fine evening? If it is daytime, come back and read this later! Better yet, don't read it at all! I don't want any of it screwing up on account of your mistakes! That's not my responsibility, goddammit!

Ok, if I've learned anything from a lifetime wasted on the internet, it's that you will die lonely! Hahahahaha! Well you will but additionally that it's apparently funny to collect all the angry e-mail people sometimes send you and show everyone the things these people said and did and the razor sharp comeback you gave them that sliced through their feelings like baby cartilage! Offensive! How do you like that angle? Lucky for you, I've saved almost all the hate mail I've gotten over the years because it's nice to remember those times when people addressed you.

Not that many people send us anything but I think the majority of it (or mine anyway) is negative. Sure, I get some positive e-mails now and then but they aren't very funny so there's no article for them. That's what you get! Next time consider putting an insult or two in there, yeah? You want fame and stardom and rockets don't you?! Rockets??! HELL YES ROCKETS.

I'm done filibustering! OK, I'm pretty much putting these up in the order I have them saved so they are probably going pretty much in the order they were received. Some of these are literally a few years old so if my comedic response isn't up to the standards of funny, it's because I just didn't know what I was doing back then. To clarify, a funny response looks like this:

Dear, Jimmy Buttface!

YOU GOT BUCKETS OF POO FOR SHOES!!!

Thanks for reading!

-Joe

Ok here we go! Sometimes, I will offer some EXCLUSIVE COMMENTARY in the midst of these so you can know JUST WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN THE THINGS HAPPENED. It will probably look like this. Also, I figure it is rude to provide these people's full e-mails so I didn't. Strangely enough, giving out their full names doesn't seem to create any ethical problem for my brain so I'm going to run with it! Who is razzled and ready? You and your mother!? Brilliant!


E-Mail #1:

From: alex.paskhover
To: joe@listentome.net
Subject: madden 2002

hey, your reviewing skills suck. u know absolutely nothing, i mean nothing, and yet u still try to say stuff. Did u know that in madden 2002 u can import your own mp3s. so u can listen to the music u like in the menu screen. And, in franchise mode, u trade, and make decisions, and then play the game, thats right play the game and finish seasons. Just because your friend chose to simulate his games, doesnt mean that u have to simulate the games, u can play them. so, before u go and trash games that u dont like, at least do some kind of backround check, so u dont sound stupid when u write dumb shit.

From: joe@listentome.net
To: alex.paskhover
Subject: Re: madden 2002

Happy Lad with Pants on Head,

I believe the whole point of doing the review as I did was that I didn't play it. You may notice I do this sort of thing a lot, reviewing movies, tv shows, and games that I haven't actually experienced for myself firsthand. If you wanted a REAL review of the game there are plenty of REAL gaming sites out there that can help you out, instead of ours which is really just a big excuse to see how many times I can fit the word "fuck" into a paragraph.
In addition, Madden 2002 sucks.

Thanks for reading!!!
-Joe

Look how I tell him he may notice I do this sort of thing a lot like he would actually read more of the site! Check out the ego on me!!!


E-mail #2:

From: OSUDude79
To: joe@listentome.net
Subject: (no subject) why would you like madden 2002, you have "hello kitty" represent you online, you a girlie man with no athletic ability. the reason people like this game is because it is so realistic, which is why you hate it. you like playing game that let you do things you can not do in real life, like get laid, and kill people because you are not cool and wish you lived in another world where you could be cool and beat people up. unlike the real world you live in, where you get beat up for wearing your "hello kitty" tee shirts and capri pant. bye

From: joe@listentome.net
To: OSUDude79
Subject: Re: (no subject)

But I look so pretty in my "Hello Kitty" tee shirts and capri pant.
:(((((((

It would seem I couldn't think of much when I responded to this gent. What can I say? He was right about everything! Oh, and if you go to the e-mail page I have Hello Kitty for my picture, which is what he was talking about. I picked Hello Kitty because her colors matched my Capri pant.


E-mail #3:

From: Dave Oliver
To: joe@listentome.net
Subject: Stuff You Should Be Watching - Part II

You are a moron.

From: joe@listentome.net
To: Dave Oliver
Subject: Re: Stuff You Should Be Watching - Part II

Bless your soul, my child. May God be with you.

In retrospect, I should've said "Yeah but you didn't have any problems with Stuff You Should Be Watching - Part I, right?" HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah.


E-mail #4:

From: linkexchange@realgreetingcard.com
To: Joe@listentome.net
Subject: Link to our The Jetsons e-card service...

Dear The Jetsons webmaster,

After I did did visit your The Jetsons website at http://www.listentome.net/tv4.php I wanna ask you if you could place a link or box to our The Jetsons e-card service.
If you wanna place our e-card promotion box please place the following HTML code into our website:
YOINK!
If you prefer to place a link to our The Jetsons e-card service please point it to the following URL:
FURTHER YOINK

RealGreetingCard

P.S. let us know if you did place a link to us so we can insert a link back to you're the Jetsons website!

From: Joe@listentome.net
To: linkexchange@realgreetingcard.com
Subject: Re: Link to our The Jetsons e-card service...

Wow! You are pretty crazy! I wonder if you even looked at the page, mm?! Yes, we will link to your card fun with significant immediacy! No, I am just kidding! Thank you for giving me the gigglies though. Tee hee.

-Joe

I think Gringo may have gotten this e-mail too. It probably wasn't a real person but I think it was somehow decided we had a Jetsons website based on a few lines in my Rude Dog in the Dweeb review in which the words "Astro" and "fucking genius" are put in close proximity to each other. Also, Gringo mentioned the Jetsons on his Worst Cartoon Characters thingy but I think we got this e-mail before that was up. I think. Well, I can't remember and you stopped caring quite some time ago.


E-mail #5:

From: "Conker" (CoolGuy8@sbcglobal.net)
To: joe@listentome.net
Subject: (no subject)

Go to fucking hell hoe and while your at it hitler can shove a pineapple up your faget ass. Little girly fagets who hate animes piss me off and your just a loser who works on a stupid web site for moronic dicks.

From: joe@listentome.net
To: "Conker" (CoolGuy8@sbcglobal.net)
Subject: Re: (no subject)

Thanks for reading! :D

I left this guy's e-mail because when I tried to respond, I got back an error, claiming that it didn't exist! I've gotten a couple of e-mails like this! Either the government is intercepting and rejecting my electronic letters or people like to create e-mail accounts purely for sending hate mail and then deleting them and running like fat babies...fat babies what can run.


E-mail #6:

This next one is special! There's nothing like responding negatively to positive comments and making one of the few people who actually likes you hate you instead! My big thing here was that the person insinuated that I was high/drunk off of certain "substances" and that I wrote an article during this period of inebriation. This idea that people seem to think you have to be "hopped up" to sound like a retard still annoys me (a birth defect does it for me). However, I readily admit that the fact that I would act indignant over some piece of nonsense I wrote for this site is pretty ridiculous especially considering that I can no longer say that I've been not high for all of the stuff I've written for this site. Yes, that's where the quality began to decline. If you're a terribly boring person, you can probably go back and pinpoint the exact moment yourself! Right, anyway, yeah, here it is:

From: Mtinscoc To: joe@listentome.net Subject: can I kiss you with an open mouth? Joe's great!

Hi Joe,

Just read your "I hate Radiohead review". I can see it now. A bottle of BV 97 and couple lines of coke and you were all juiced up and ready to write. I' haven't heard such whining since Webster was on air. Overall though, it was a great idea, but next time write sober...Anyways, I'll email you later next week. I have to go, my mommy wants to get online.

Email me back at this address,

Pete Time.Inc. AOL

Look at me just gabber on! I just remembered how strange I found this e-mail to be. For one thing, he e-mails me with one address but tells me to mail him back at another (I obliged lovingly) and for another thing he says his mommy needs to get online but appears to be an important business man working for AOL Time Warner. So who knows!? Maybe my curt response is the reason I'm not today lighting grandfathas with fifty-dollar bills and writing professional articles for our inevitable Big Brother-equivalent. Whoops!

From: joe@listentome.net To: pete Subject: Re: can I kiss you with an open mouth? Joe's great!

Actually, I was completely and fully sober when I wrote that, as I am when I write most of my work for LTM. I resent the fact that you would suggest that I need to be inebriated in order to churn out the magic I create.

Fuck your mother, prick!

Thanks for reading!

-Joe

HAHAHAHA! I told him to fuck his mother. I don't think I thought he'd take it very seriously. Also, I didn't even think about the "mommy" part in his e-mail. I just typed that because my friend told me that humorous line and I quite enjoyed it so I stole it! So then he wrote back! Here:

From: pete To: joe@listentome.net Subject: Re: can I kiss you with an open mouth? Joe's great!

Whoa.. Mr. Sensitive,

Holy shit, you called it "magic"? I've seen Mr.Rogers perform more stunts...if you want to call it that. The article was only about 500 words to long and god, how many f-ing times do you contradict yourself......What in the hell is LTM????

Yes, I love Radiohead, but I can't stand a drunk who babbles....

But, before you unleash a terror of explectives on me, remember, this is just an opinion, and if I didn't like your website I would of just not given a shit.

I like your website dumbass.....Just people don't care enough aboout some no name website to sit through 3000 words....

Your friend Pete

P.S: If you want my mom, your going to have to wait in line, I thiink she's with all the Vice guys....

I don't get the Vice guys thing.

From: joe@listentome.net To: peteSubject: Re: can I kiss you with an open mouth? Joe's great!

I'm aware you like the website (LTM = ListenToMe, by the way...CRAZY!!!). I'm also aware that I wasn't actually offended and I just curse at people randomly. In addition, I don't really think my writing is magic. Basically, everything I said to you before was positively saturated with sarcasm and/or stupidity. I seem to do this a lot. It is uncontrollable.

Anyhoo, just don't take me seriously at all in the future.

However, I feel I must restate that I was not drunk, stoned, or otherwise intoxicated whilst writing and/or conceiving of the Radiohead article. I'm actually just that stupid.

-JOE!!!


Well! Is everybody having fun so far?! No, me neither. Maybe these will get funnier, huh? Yeah you keep dreaming, Potsie. Anyway, I've got more so there will be more of these. Sure, you could complain! But who would listen? NO ONE.


This website is © 2001-2008 Listen To Me. All pictures, sounds and other stuff which doesn't belong to us is © its respective owner(s). Everything else is a free-for-all. Steal anything we created (as if you'd ever want to) and we'll...well, we probably won't be motivated to do anything. But you never know. And yes, that is Colonel Sanders throwing a punch at this copyright notice. SMACK