Thirty Minutes
Written By: Gringo

I was ready to leave my house, dressed and everything - I even managed to tie my own shoelaces! - and then I got a phone call. The person who's picking me up (travel times are fun for all!) to take me away from this cesspit says he'll be half an hour late. I had a few choices. I could go back to bed. It was only just past noon, so I thought this was a good idea. But by the time I'd be in Sleepsville, Minnesota, I'd be woken up again just to leave the house. Another option was masturbation...but no. Alternatively, I could have watched the television. Again, no. My brainmeats needed more stimulation. And how did I choose to put said brainmeats in action? By reviewing the half hour that I had to wait in. Yes, you heard right. It's more quality entertainment from Listen To Me! I could just write 1,000 sentences with the following words in them: Great. Swish! (no) and easily fool you into thinking it's another standard review by me. But instead, I'll just type a lot of nonsense. I'm going to mix present and past tense in this review because (a) my grammar sucks it hard, (b) spell checking means effort, which means a definite no, and (c) I love the alphabet lists! Love them! ABC, ROCK IT LIKE A HURRICANE!

Four minutes passed typing that first paragraph, in which time I heard all of Weezer's song The Good Life. It has an amusing video. I don't have that video. Oh lordy lord, this review is going to bite. There is really very little you can do in the time slot I had to sit around and entertain myself. I could have read the newspaper, but it's a British tabloid and it smells bad. Well, that and I don't think I'd be able to read the big words without getting a headache. At this point, it was ten minutes since I got the phone call. I realised that I hadn't actually brushed my teeth and am going to attempt doing that whilst typing. Stupid one handed typing! My breath tastes like mint now. GOLLY, HARRY TRUMBLE, THIS SURE IS SOME CRAPPY REVIEW. I might as well describe every single piece of minutiae in a desperate attempt to wring some humour out of it. Now to make a phone call. One moment, please! Okay, call is over. That sure was fun! I could probably have used this half hour more wisely, maybe even finish that three-part Monster Squad review I've been writing since forever. But oh no! Not in my stupid, stupid world! Instead you get this! CELEBRATE THE GOOD TIMES!

Half of the half hour has now been wasted. That means fifteen minutes gone, fifteen to go. That first sentence reads really badly. Half of the half hour? It reminds me of a line in A Muppet Family Christmas when some fat old guy that used to be in The Fraggles (the Sprocket era) had an argument with the Swedish chef about whether his pet dog was a turkey. Fat Old Man (his official cast name, I think) said "He's not the turkey! The turkey's the turkey, you turkey!". Unfunny I know, but at least it proves two things. Firstly, I'm not the only one to come up with awkward sentences. Secondly, I KNOWS ME SOME GOOD MUPPET TRIVIA, CAPTAIN! I could have put another alphabet list there, but no. Alphabets! That's it! On went The Alphabet Rap by none other than Quantum Leap's rappin' Dean Stockwell. This is one bad song. SAY IT! Twenty minutes of the half hour gone, and at this time it dawned on me that I didn't really have the full half hour to waste. Instead, I had something like three seconds to get out the house or I'd never get to the location of mystery!

At something like 600 words already, this review is about half the size of one of my standard University essays. Great! Such important information! You care so little it's shocking. I am shocked, I tell you! Also: I like using exclamation marks! They are fun for all! FUN I TELL YOU! You'll be pleased to read that this marks the exact time there was about one minute left. Yes, I cheated and went and did something else for a couple of minutes. What? I can't possibly say (hint: I had to go pee). But that means it's time to tie up this inane (yes, inane. I'm not smug or stupid enough to call it insane. Oh, I is so wacky, Admiral!) review and get into the waiting car. What have we learnt then? Yes, we. WE IS ALL FAMILY ON THIS SITE, SAMMY SHOESHOP! Today's lesson is that in half an hour of time you can write four paragraphs of a stupid review, listen to some Weezer, brush your teeth and go pee. Remember, everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders. Yes, I had a Simpson's tune on before I left. Such musical quality! Boys and girls, I'd like to be serious for a moment if I may. It's conclusion time! Thirty minutes stink.


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