Gringo's Highs and Lows of 2004
Written By: Gringo

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

I decided to get the atrocious Simpsons reference out of the way before even starting on a review that talks about the best and worst of the year that's just departed. Yes, Father Time has picked up his bony old ass off the bar stool and staggered out at closing time, muttering to himself about how he'll stab that whippersnapper 2005 in the eyes with his pocket knife.

By the way, did you ever consider that Mother Nature is probably related somehow to Father Time? I like to think they were once an item, but seeing as how mom has a penchant for raining men, I think she likes the cock a bit too much to form any kind of stable relationship. Dennis Miller, feel free to steal this material for your talk show. Lord knows you need some attempt of comedy on that thing.

So I was visiting the old Listen To Me site - which, by the way, Joe has done an okay job of updating, so well done him - and I noticed that Phen had written himself one of those best and worst of 2004 articles. Out of boredom, I decided to do the same, and I'm going to limit myself to four good things and four bad things (get it? 2004? Two-thousand-and-four? Four things? I could have written 2004 things, but I didn't feel like it, and your face is fat).

THE BEST OF 2004

1. Gringo Takes America

Just like Neil Diamond's song about dirty immigrants sailing in to the glorious New World, 2004 marked the year when I finally - and legally - got to escape the United Kingdom of Great Britain. Never mind that we're not particularly great anymore and that it's a Queendom rather than a Kingdom, the country sucked. It was rainy, cold and my last job was getting on my nerves.

By contrast, my job in DC is glorious, the co-workers are uniformly great (that is, they're all great, not all uniforms...ha ha, good one! I better write that down. Oh, wait, I already did) and life is generally really rather good. I hear that Ross, who used to be involved in the Listen To Me franchise before our share value took a nosedive, lives in this city. I have yet to meet up. Maybe that's a good thing.

2. Sex

I got my end away several times in 2004. I can only remember the names of 80% of the people I was in bed with. Oh well! Although sex was a great part of last year for me, I have formed a New Year's resolution regards it. I hereby resolve never to go to bed with someone I know already has a boyfriend. There's nothing worse than lying next to some whore who starts talking about their boyfriend while picking your pubic hairs from their mouth.

3. The Iraq War

Unoriginal news reporters and pundits all said the Iraq war was the biggest event of 2004. Yeah, maybe they're right, but that doesn't excuse covering it 24/7. And by the way, Mr. Cable News, I'm pretty fucking suck of seeing things like "War In Iraq" or "Attack On Terror" flash up in some old typewriter-style font in an attempt to give it a serious look.

The reason I've put the Iraq war as one of the best things to happen in 2004 is that, quite simply, the Americans and the Brits showed an evil little turd that sure, you can have lots of money and torture your citizens, but in the end you're going to be dragged out of an underground pit, covered in your own urine and being caught by a 24-year-old American army reserve from Buttfuck, Iowa.

4. Bush Wins!

I know, I know, I'm a liberal queer who doesn't even have voting rights in the US and should shut the fuck up about your elections. But I created the Sheriff Gringo For President website (which incidentally died a quiet death, mostly because no-one ever visited it), and your face is still fat, so shut up!

I think the re-election of George W. Bush is actually a good thing. You have to look long-term. Kerry was a dull, uninspiring candidate who really would say anything to get elected. Can anyone say what he really stood for, other than not being Bush? You'd think Democrats would learn that liberal north-eastern Senators can't get elected, but no, and now they're thinking of electing Dean party chair. YEEEARRRGH!

Bush's win guarantees he can never run for President again. Dick Cheney is too unpopular to run again, Rumself is too old to be in any cabinets after this administration, Karl Rove has leeched himself tightly to the Bush clan but Jeb's ruling out a run for President...you see the glory of 2008? The old guard is being swept out!

The reason why Bush's re-election was one of the best things about 2004 is that it guarantees the next Presidential election really will be an open race. There are more promising candidates on both sides (McCain for Republicans, Clinton and Bayh for Democrats) and the probability will vastly increase that whoever wins won't be a threat to national security. Yay Dubya!

THE WORST OF 2004

1. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure

Let's move on swiftly.

2. Flying From DC To New Orleans In May

I had a terrible hangover the day of the flight and vomited no less than six times in the airplane toilet. You know how cramped they are? It's near impossible to crouch down and get your face near the toilet bowl. Even worse, the last of the six vomits, some fat cunt had taken a huge crap and the tiny little toilet stank. It made me throw up the minute I locked the door, and it went everywhere. I mean everywhere; the mirror, the door handle, my clothes, I think I even got some in those little cups for water they put in the toilet.

It taught me a valuable lesson: don't drink and fly. But for the sheer Hell I felt I was going through, and the fact it stands out as one of the most personally miserable times of my life in 2004, it makes the list. Stay tuned to read more in-depth fun about my trip to New Orleans! That is, if I don't take another three-month sabbatical from this website after this article goes up.

3. The Iraq War

Ooh, controversy! I put something in both the best and worst sections! Well, I think we all know that the war in Iraq has claimed ridiculous numbers of lives, both Iraqi citizens and soldiers from countries like America and the UK that, you know, recognise when a tyrant is sticking two fingers up at the international community.

It also bolstered the political power of George W. Bush, who is ideologically very far from me on a lot of issues. Plus, it gave those assholes on Fox News something to fill their schedules with other than talk about those gay AIDS fuckers and their desire to marry.

4. Mr. & Mr. Newlywed

Speaking of which, I would just like to say this to the gay community (and no, I'm not a member of it despite what you may think - and what my reviews may make you think): if you wanted to defeat Bush in 2004, you've only got yourselves to blame for not doing so.

A few hundred activist gays, supported by a San Francisco mayor trying to make a name for himself and a liberal judge in Boston, tried to push for gay marriage rights. That was all Karl Rove needed to motivate the rural communities. You really think someone in Wyoming is going to want to see two guys marrying in their nice, normal suburban community?

It didn't help that Rosie O' Donnell threw her (ample) weight behind the cause. The push for gay marriage rights polarized America even more than it needed to be, and it needn't have happened if the gay community had used a bit more common sense and patience.

THIS EXHIBIT IS CLOSED!

By the way, for 2005, I would like to see the television soap opera Dallas brought back to our screens. If you're looking for a new angle to justify bringing it back, I've already got that covered. I have come up with words to the theme song:

It's Dallas, Texas, and it's great!
It's really, really great!
JR's got oil and he's a meanie
He's the guy others hate!
Lots of hate, but really great
That's the Dallas way!

And so on and so forth. DO IT, TELEVISION GUY!


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