I'm Not Talking!
Written By: Gringo and Ross

Since this site started back in 1861 (such lies!), we've managed to get some good interviews with some funny people. In case you were wondering (okay, so you weren't, but it's a cheap way to plug old articles), these people so far have been Ninja Academy actor Robert Factor, British comedians Dave Gorman and Danny Wallace, actor and all-round nice guy Glenn Shadix, the unique RuPaul, British comedian/actor/writer Jim Piddock and of course the fantastic Fred Willard, and most recently Harry Shearer. OOH! SO MUCH UNDERLINING! But what about the ones we didn't manage to get interviews with? What about them, you ask? Even if you don't ask, let me tell you! There are a few! Most people tend to either respond and we eventually get the interview (like all the above situations), or they don't even reply. Either that or their mailbox is comically exploding with too much e-mail already. TOO MUCH! Hold onto your clownbelts, we're heading for asshat territory! And fast! Well, no. But it would have been nice to interview the people below. But I guess that will never be! Shame! I also started two consecutive sentences with the word 'but' just then. Shame! Let's start with an actor who has never shaken off the role that made him famous.

Adam West

The original Batman television series was a camp, comic show with cheap production values, cheesy dialogue and apparently just one Irish cop serving the whole of Gotham City. With all that suck, it seemed like a great idea to get in touch with Adam West (the original Batman) to interview him. Besides, he seemed to be in a self-deprecating phase of his life, and as we all know, self-deprecating humour wins! So I found his wacky website, and sent Mr. West an e-mail. I heard nothing back for a while, then got a response saying there were too many e-mails already waiting to be picked up from the site, so mine was being returned. Did I give up? Did I fuck! I kept e-mailing him, amusing myself with the idea that he'd be sat there deleting e-mails frantically, trying to keep up with the new ones coming in, shouting "HOLY BAT POOP! TOO MUCH!" But of course, that probably never happened. And his e-mail account is still full. Potential for future interview success = zero! Unless I dress up as Batman and go to some comics convention where he might be appearing. However, that is never going to happen. EVER!

Weezer

They sing and dance with the Muppets, but they won't talk to us. Weezer, whilst a good band, have never responded to a request for an interview. Maybe it's because they're so successful? Or maybe it's because Joe said (about songs on the Green Album) "My friends and I noted that one thing that bugs us about the songs is that there's an overall gay feeling to it. One of my friends also noticed that even the songs that are cool have exceptionally gay choruses" And then he went on to say "Rivers Cuomo has a beard and a silly bucket head! BUCKET HEAD!" and "Another naughty thing about all this Weezer shmeggy is that Rivers is still a jerk", and not forgetting his summing-up of "band = pretty good, Rivers = naughty bad...bad like corpsefucking." Who can tell if that's the reason we never got an interview? Maybe they couldn't be bothered, or maybe they were all shocked by Joe's reviews. Of course, the latter would assume members of Weezer actually found this site, and worse, found the reviews of their albums. And even more unlikely, bothered to read them. So, no Weezer interview coming up. That's bad news. Bad like corpsefucking.

Steve (The Dell Guy)

This little story about Steve is Ross' contribution to the article. The quality of this article can be summed up in my suggestion to Ross: "write any old shit." After this, it's back to me! Oh no! Here is Ross: using my SUPER DETECTIVE SKILLS (Google), I came across the email address/AOL screen name of the infamous Steve the Dell guy. I emailed him a few times about an interview, and while the mail never came back un-returned, he never replied. I still don't hate him like the teeming masses do, but my opinion of Ben Curtis (for that be his name) has declined sharply. That fucker. I hate him! Jesus Christ! What a rude little shit! I hope that motherfucker burns in hell! I'm just trying to make this longer to please Gringo now! I hate him too, I hope he burns right alongside Steve! I ALSO hate people who like Swiss cheese, because that stuff is terrible. You know what makes those holes? BACTERIA. Bacteria that TASTES BAD. You want to eat bacteria? I didn't think so. Fuck you, world! GRR ANGST! HERE IS WHERE ROSS' STORY ENDS. Yes, it's back to me, Gringo! Don't close the page yet - suffer the rest, and then call yourself a truly brave person.

Jeff Bridges

Now this interview would have been a winner. Jeff Bridges has been in many excellent movies, including The Big Lebowski, The Contender and yes, even Tron. I got in touch with Jeff Bridges' publicist through a link on the actor's official website. And it looked like an interview could well happen, albeit an e-mailed list of questions interview (I prefer ones over the phone, like with Glenn Shadix). But then he went off an a movie shoot, and all sorts of other wacky happened. But this is the one interview that didn't happen which I'm not bitter about. I've actually met his publicist Nicky when Jeff Bridges was in London to promote K-PAX. She's British, a very nice person to talk to, and we had some English tea and scones at the Dorchester Hotel (fuck the classless society!). Anyway, the way things stand, we'd be lucky to get answers to our far-too-many questions before Summer 2023. And really, if it's not happened by now, it isn't going to happen. Still, at least this is one of the failed interviews where the person at the other end happened to be nice enough to keep in touch and let us know what was happening. You see, Adam West? Maybe you will learn your lesson now!

Rockstar

The makers of the Grand Theft Auto series of games seemed like ideal people to interview. It was around the time GTA III was due to go on sale, and although I had heard nothing whatsoever...WHATSOEVER...about the game (I assumed it'd be the same style as the first two), Joe suggested I try and get an interview with someone involved with the making of this third wacky fun game. So I dutifully sent an e-mail off to Rockstar Games, and to my surprise (it's always a nice surprise when the people actually respond), I got a reply from someone in the PR department saying he or she would try and set one up. I'm not saying he/she because the person was a hermaphrodite. Oh no! It's because I can't remember whether it was a man or a woman. Anyway, suffice to say that the he/she person never got back to me. Damn them! And see what a bad effect not being interviewed by the site had on sales of GTA III. Yes! Nobody ever heard anything about that game again. The last laugh is all ours! Well, no. Obviously not, because the game was very successful. I was going to try and maybe get an interview about the follow-up game, Vice City, but couldn't be bothered. Success!


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