Berserk
Review By: Joe

Oh, my God! If you haven't been informed yet because you are not a member of my newsletter that I send to fat people I see on the street, I don't like anime. The only anime I really like is Cowboy Bebop and I also like FLCL but other than that (with the exception of some movies perhaps), I do NOT LIKE! But, listen. My fat friend WHO I HATE AND I WILL KILL HIM!!! was like "Oh ohhhh! Oh oh ohhhhhhhh! This butter sandwich tastes so loooOOoOOoovely! I will put it in my face! Oh ohhhhh! Tasty! Mmm! Fat! Also! I like this FAT show that is called Berserk! Oh! It is FROM JAPAN! Watch it with me I am fat! Oh! Butter! Please! Never stop the butter supply! Lalalala!"

Now, then. My life is terrible and nothing good ever happens to me so even though I don't care too highly for these Japo creations, I have nothing better to do so I tell fatty ok, I will watch your shitty shit with you. So we rent this cuntshow and it is on many DVDs because it is 20-something episodes long and it is not good. Let me tell you about how it is not good.

This show is some medieval bullshit about this fairy named Guts (BUT I THINK IN THE JAPANESE VERSION HIS NAME IS GUTSUUUUUUUUUUUUUU OR GATS OR SOMETHING JAPANESE) who is a ludicrously strong man with a ridiculously big sword, the size of which varies literally from shot to shot. MOTHER OF FUCK!!! I JUST DROPPED MY REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER PUMPKIN ON THE FLOOR! YOU KNOW HOW HARD THESE THINGS ARE TO COME BY?! DAMMIT! Anyway, Guts goes around killing lots of people with an army of fruits called the Band of the Hawk. They are led by the biggest fruit of them all whose name is Griffith. It is revealed in the series that he had gay sex with a fat man for money at some point in his life which is funny.

So basically, this show is just all about Guts and his army killing lots of people and somehow never getting killed themselves. In fact, most of the time the enemies don't even seem to make any effort to attack as they enjoy getting cut in half by big swords so much. Fruitbasket! Now, the show wasn't that bad pretty much the whole way through. I didn't care much about it but I didn't care that I was watching it much either. However, I then watched the show to the end and now I HATE IT. I hate it A LOT. I will tell you why!

Now for people (I will call you dumbies from now on) who think they might wanna watch this crapfest in the future, I suppose I should warn you that I am going to SPOIL THE ENDING SORT OF RIGHT NOW.

So, basically, the show outlines the Guts and Griffith and this hottie named Kaska who I forgot to mention before and the Band of the Hawk and their rise from mercenaries all the way up to being like a royal army deal. So it goes like that for awhile but then everything gets fucked up at the end! However, the guy who wrote Berserk is a stupid asshole so rather than have some kind of realistic downfall, perhaps involving the army finally being defeated in battle somehow, he just kind of randomly decides to introduce a bunch of ridiculous fantasy/retard shit into the story. So the last couple of episodes have a bunch of weird monsters and evil gods and violence and let's just say that pretty much EVERYBODY DIES AND IF THEY DON'T DIE THEY GET RAPED OR FUCKED UP SOMEHOW. It's LOVELY!

Now, I don't mind depressing endings. In fact, I rather respect them. But it's one thing if the characters have a downfall and a whole other thing altogether if they all RANDOMLY GET RAPED AND KILLED BY WEIRDO MONSTERS. When I saw the ending of this show, I got pissed off! Pissed off grr! It made me wonder why the hell I even watched the whole goddamned thing, just to get cunted in the end with a shitey piece of shite ending like that. FUCK BERSERK.

This crappy show was actually a comic (OR MANGA!!!) first. I looked into it, not because I liked the show, but because I wanted to see if there was actually some sort of closure in the manga, unlike the show which just ends MURDER DEATH RAPE FART ASS COCK! As it turns out, the manga is like FIFTY VOLUMES IN LENGTH and isn't even over yet. So, the asshole bastardfuck of a creator is just like "OH OH! I WILL KEEP PUTTING THESE CHARACTERS THROUGH HORRENDOUS SITUATIONS WITH RAPE AND VIOLENCE AND EVIL AND MAKE MONEY AND GOOGY GOOGY GOOGY I'M A NIHILISTIC PRICK SONOFABITCH!!!"

I also have discovered that the first page of the first episode of the manga involves Guts FUCKING a monster WITH his penis which means to me the comic must be muuuuuch better than the show! Boyyyy howdy!

Oh and the show was also relatively low budget which made it crappier. And on the DVDs there are blooper reels with the voice actors thinking they are funny. Usually they aren't though. Once in awhile they are but usually not. Although they did make the "MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TICKING CLOCK BERSERRRKERRR" joke which is fine I suppose!

I hate Berserk! I hate everything related to Berserk! If you like Berserk, I hate you!!! I told Ross (who is an undercover Japanese man) about how this show sucked and he told me "Don't watch anymore anime." I think this is a very good suggestion!

And for all y'all suckas that don't know! Check it ouuuuuut! SOMEADEMTRYTORHYME BUT THEY CAN'T RHYME LIKE THIS! SOMEADEMTRYTORHYME BUT THEY CAN'T RHYME LIKE THIS! SOMEADEMTRYTORHYME BUT THEY CAN'T RHYME LIKE THIS! SOMEADEMTRYTORHYME BUT THEY CAAAAAAN'T! CUZ I'M THE MIGGITYMIGGITYMIGGTYMIGGITY MAC DADDY! THE MIGGITYMIGGITYMIGGTYMIGGITY MAC! CUZ I'M THE MIGGITYMIGGITYMIGGTYMIGGITY MAC DADDY! THE MIGGITYMIGGITYMIGGTYMIGGITY MAC!!!!


This website is © 2001-2008 Listen To Me. All pictures, sounds and other stuff which doesn't belong to us is © its respective owner(s). Everything else is a free-for-all. Steal anything we created (as if you'd ever want to) and we'll...well, we probably won't be motivated to do anything. But you never know. And yes, that is Colonel Sanders throwing a punch at this copyright notice. SMACK