The Office: Crappy American Version
Review By: Joe

It hardly has to be said by the likes of me but the show The Office which is now showing on American television on NBC is an extreme piece of doody crap. EXTREME piece. If you don't know this, you clearly don't know things and I am sorry. Now for more speak.

This new terrible show on the American broadcast time is really just a, I dunno what to call it, homosexual idiot remake? of a much better British show called, BIG SURPRISE, The Office that ran in Brittania from . Now some American stink employees have decided "I rike money!" (American stink employees talk like stereotypical Asians, I do not have time to explain why) so they done bought the rights to the show's idea and put a bunch of jackanapes on board to write a bit of new shit new shit for it. Ohhh, you jackanapes you.

Now you see, one (me) might ask, why not just show the BBC version of the show on the Americano televisore? But then one (me) might be able to answer their own question. In countries where people still have souls, they actually don't show bucketloads of awful commercials with horrible white people smiling and selling you toothpaste and cars and horrible black people rapping about how tasty McDonald's is. Therefore, you actually get to watch a half hour show rather than 3 minutes of show and 87,000 hours of PAIN AND FUCKING HELL. God, I really, really hate commercials.

Therefore, the original show couldn't be replayed here (although I understand you get it if you get BBC America) on network television without a severe raping down of the scenes. Plus, British accents pierce American ears with confusion and people go "Wait are they talking about a terror plan? Because I could have sworn I heard a terror plan amidst discussion of scones and tea." This is, however, inaccurate because the word "amidst" would never come into play.

SO! Instead, the bright plan is to buy the original idea and rape it by redoing the whole thing with uncool Americans. Well, the first episode just showed the other day and, here is a shocker, it's quite poor.

One thing I suppose they did right was hire a cast full of unknowns. The original show had a bunch of people who had done a whole bunch of nothing (not that I'd be familiar with them if they were bigtime British actors but anyway this is true). However, they were also uncommonly good at their roles. Plus, Ricky Gervais (who also co-wrote and co-directed the whole damn thing) portrayed the most integral role of the boss, David Brent, and he happens to be incredibly brilliant in how painfully awkwardly he both wrote and performed the chracter.

Here is a big American show stink. David Brent (who is now called Michael Scott as they changed all the names to make it oh so different) in the American version is played by the only not-unknown in the series, Steve Carell. Not that he's a household name or anything but this gentleman was originally on The Daily Show and is fairly recognizable. He's also not nearly as good in any way, shape, or smoogen (smoogen is a new word, tell people).

Ricky Gervais seemed like a really unfunny and horribly uncomfortable person to be around when he played David Brent to the point that you realized he must have a pretty good idea of how to be incredibly smart because he could make a character so painfully not. Did that make sense? I imagine not. Anyway, Steve Carell plays it more like some crappy American comedian who sucks and is stupid. I'm done trying to make cohesive points, I am tired of writing this review.

Listen here. As they did legally purchase the original show rights, many of the lines from this are directly taken from the British show. On the other hand, stuff has been taken out (because of time time) and other crap has been added.

The first episode was basically a re-creation of the original show's first episode and, for some reason, the relationship between Dawn and Tim (who both have different names and the girl who plays the Dawn-type character SUCKS TERRIBLY AT HER ATTEMPTS TO DO ANYTHING) was apparently deemed not clear enough for dumby Americano with only the original scenes so more were added and they are poop. Oh, and how hard was it to get an American actress to actually be less attractive than the British Dawn? I mean Dawn wasn't a total knockout but you were supposed to at least want a roll in the hay with her. Fuck this sucky cryho! Oh yes, the guy who plays the Gareth counterpart is poop.

The original was incredibly well composed and frankly a bit painful in how uncomfortable it was to watch. The jokes are overdone now and they are poop. The next episode has the boss putting papers on people's heads that say different races on them and going "oh oh ohhhh treat the person like the race what is on there" as opposed to just putting it into dialogue and being a cool. NO GOOD.

Also, the British version is only fourteen episodes long and is fine like that. I really wonder what they are planning on doing with this American one if it makes it past fourteen (because I'm fairly certain Americano will see no reason to not milk it) and they have to write all new material. I mean it already sucks. I think it will fail though so that's okay.

Anyway, listen. I've considered the possibility that it's not that fair to judge this show based on the fact that I've seen the original but, no, they bought an idea that was already done perfectly before and there's no reason this should even exist. Fuck this fuckin' shit.

You can buy the entire original British series of The Office in a DVD set for $40 on Amazon.com. I think it's worth it for one of the best pieces of visual media I've ever seen in my life instead of some garbage Yankee version. Look scunt, if you can't understand the accents put on subtitles.

This review would have been better if I wasn't writing at a computer with a HEATER BLASTING HOT AIR UNMERCIFULLY ONTO MY CROTCH. I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING YOU. HEAT MAKES YOU ANGRY! MANGRY! Hee, I wrote mangry. I plan to leave it.


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